There have been few days in my life so impactful they are singed into my memory as “best days ever.”
The birth of my kids, the day my ex-husband walked, the day I ran down the aisle into the arms of Tim Keller…
Ravishing love, unbearable sorrow, joy beyond imagination – I recall every detail swirled with emotion.
This last weekend I added a new “best day ever” to my mental picture book.
Tim and I attended Relationship BootCamp and it rocked my world.
I’ve always thought marriage was hard work and I just needed to buck up and put in the effort.
I tell myself, “Don’t give up. Try harder. Ok, that didn’t work…Sam, try EVEN harder!”
(After one failed marriage, I have NO intention of a repeat performance)
But is working harder at doing the same thing over and over anything more than a spinning hamster wheel of frustration? Certainly, relationship takes effort, and yet my soul groans for something more –understanding, compassion and a deeper connection.
Why are relationships so difficult? Why do I struggle (at times) with the man of my dreams?
Why, why, why Jesus? Why don’t Christians have awesome marriages? Aren’t we supposed to be getting this right?
I believe I have a good marriage, but in the back of my mind I long and thirst for a glimpse of heaven. And I feel guilty for wanting more. I hate the repeated arguments about the same dumb thing. I hate the communication gap. I despise the feeling that we are so close to getting this right –and yet a million miles away all at the same time.
I discovered a lot from Relationship BootCamp.
Most of all, I recognized I desperately need healing from past wounds (that I drag into my marriage!) and a huge dose of forgiveness if I want EPIC instead of just ok.
Surprise, surprise…relationship issues are not about dealing with the difficult people in our life.
Relationship issues are about dealing with the face in the mirror.
I saw five couples this weekend either seperated or with divorce papers signed who turned it around and recommitted. I saw miracles happen.
I also saw my husband have epiphany after epiphany, right along WITH me.
I ahhed and oohed too many times to count and I cried desperate tears as I saw my husband in a new light.
And in the dark recesses of my heart, a glorious unlocking began and HOPE kicked out the despair I didn’t even know I stuffed in there.
I ALMOST NEVER recommend you buy or do anything on this blog, but if you want the relationship you’ve always dreamed about, I highly recommend you consider signing up for a BootCamp!
You’ll probably run into me volunteering and I’ll hug you through the hard parts!
I believe our country is going through a marriage and relationship crisis.
Few things in life are all black or white –all good or all bad.
Most events have some redeeming factor or lesson to apply. Grace weasels its way in and finds the light in the darkest of nights.
But occasionally, evil rears its ugly head and I am left scratching my noggin in befuddlement.
Where is the good in this? What positive can I squeeze out of a rotten maggot infested dead rabbit?
(ahhh…but that’s another story about a rancid trashcan and a rabbit that croaked in my yard and an angry ex-husband who found the dead rabbit in the rancid trashcan because his wife didn’t know that dead rabbits need to go in other people’s trashcans)
Anyway, sometimes I ask myself, God, what the (insert an appropiately lame Christian bad word) was that sucker punch all about?
This was the question I asked myself as I left a youth football and cheer board meeting last night weeping.
Yes, weeping.
I walked through a senior center parking lot that lasted for miles and miles gulping and sobbing from a public beratement worthy of Paul and the Sanhedrin (before he turned good…when he still worked for the Dark Side).
And I asked myself once again, “What the hell is wrong with people?”
Years ago I was warned (by a wise mommy mentor) there are a few areas in life where people use unbridled power to manipulate and throw their weight around like the Patriots offensive line.
“Is it Washington politics?” I naively inquired.
“No Sam, its YOUTH SPORTS. Take heed to my words young lass and beware!”
I nodded at the wise sage and never forgot her words. And for years, playing for the Irvine Chargers and for Santa Margarita Pop Warner I had nothing but INCREDIBLE coaches, teams and experiences in football and cheerleading.
I thought I was one of the lucky ones. Sure there were the occasional squabbles and snarky remarks among parents, but overall we were tremendously blessed.
But last night those words came back to haunt me.
This year my daughter Faith was signed up for her second year to cheer for the Cowboys. Last year, her team competed in Nationals and she had a mostly positive experience. I had some concerns with extremely poor orginization within the league (not knowing the time of games until the day before…which will drive a mother of three CRAZY), but I tried to let the bad stuff go and focus on the fun. I helped out as team mom, hosted parties and provided a practice spot for the team (at no cost) at our church as a community outreach to save the league money. My husband and I went out of our way at every turn to support our girl and her team at every endeavor.
We were invested in the team like all parents who think their kids are AWESOME!
But this year things started off a little shakier.
The two oldest football teams –frustrated with the league took their ENTIRE groups of boys to another league. This left a gaping spot for the older girls.
There were no boys to cheer for in their age group.
My almost teen daughter would have to cheer for eight-year old boys.
And for a twelve-year-old girl this =MORTIFICATION.
Faith spent an entire night crying her eyes out. We asked her to pray and consider.
Then we got an e-mail saying her coach quit.
The game had changed. Faith tearfully asked if she could not cheer with this team.
She signed up to cheer for a MIDGET team but was faced with cheering for the MUNCHKINS.
I asked for a refund. Simple enough, right? I paid almost $400 and asked for my money back.
I was sent an e-mail saying I had to appear before the board.
Huh?
(Actually, I was sent five e mails with different times and dates and enough confusion to drive me crazy just regarding the board meeting)
So, I showed up at the firing squad (whoops –board meeting) where a group of YOUTH FOOTBALL Nazi’s terrorized me.
I was questioned, berated, interrogated and verbally beaten down to tears because I asked for a refund.
And then the questions arose as licked my wounded pride back at home?
Are the Cowboys in so much debt and disarray they can’t provide a refund for a kid who requested their money back over a month before practice started?
I was told “this is a business and we counted on your money.” “Even if kids get hurt we don’t provide a refund.” “Has your daughter been publicly shamed?”
My favorite was “How about a credit for next year?” –after I was already choking up. (like I wanted to come back and join this party again?)
And then like robots they repeated over and over a pre-planned message (clearly previously discussed) about what an honor it is to cheer for little boys almost half the age of my daughter.
And I understood why the two older teams picked up and left and took their boys with them. And why the Cowboys were allegedly kicked out of their previous league two years ago after a board member added seconds on the clock to overturn a game and let the Cowboys win.
Will somebody stop this reign of terror and stand up to these bullies?
I might have cried last night –but like little David facing Goliath, I’m just warming up my slingshot.
There is something sacred about stumbling upon an older couple sneaking kisses or holding hands. In our counter-cultural age of fast-food relationships over before the kids have reached kindergarten, seasoned love is a treat to behold.
I don’t know about you, but I crave this “old people in the park holding hands kind of love.” I want my husband to desire me at 41, 51, 61 and 91 (Lord willing we attain this age).
But sex is such a tough issue to broach in the church. We clam up, get awkward and pretend that good Christians don’t really need it.
(As if God didn’t create us to be sexual beings)
We forget that sex is a crucial factor in romance and it is the glue that keeps a marriage chugging on and on over the years.
It is also the one vital factor which separates friendship from love.
Sex matters in a marriage!
Sex helps you feel more connected to your partner, it makes you feel cared for and comforted, and, hello ladies, it’s fun, remember?
My friend reminded me of a comment I made to her years ago.
Sex is like working out. It’s a pain in the ass to schlep all your gear to the gym and to drag your butt on to the treadmill or into the Zumba class, but once you get there and get warmed up you remember how much you actually like it and then you relax and enjoy the ride (no pun intended).
Yep. Sex is like working out. And we all know the benefits of a regular workout routine.
The problem is (with both sex and exercise) we make excuses to not be active. Because, let’s be honest, it’s far easier to be lazy and pretend to be asleep when our husbands make a move toward us.
Life certainly invades…
Through the years, we all change both physically and emotionally, and the days become chaotic with family and sports and demanding work schedules. But, even with the inevitable curve balls we will all encounter in and outside of our relationships, it is possible to keep the sparks flying (or at least smoldering!)
Many couples erroneously believe that the natural attraction and sexual desire they enjoyed during the honeymoon of their relationship will seamlessly carry over, without any effort, throughout their marriage.
Sorry folks…this is a lie.
Romance, desire and sex, will cease to exist unless it is both honored and nurtured by both parties in a couple.
As neuroscientific research has proven, during the first six to eighteen months of a new relationship, our brain excretes a variety of neurochemicals, which helps to accelerate our biological mating dance. Our brains are flooded with serotonin and dopamine, which keeps passion ignited, with very little effort on our part.
Then, as mysteriously as these mating neurochemicals arrive, they depart. And when this happens, usually within eighteen months of the start of a relationship, it’s time to roll up our sleeves and work a little harder when it comes to our sex life.
So if sex is a priority, (which it should be!) then we need to make it important and red flag it on the calendar for the one we love.
Maybe it means taping a favorite show or going to bed earlier or putting the kids in their own room…
According to Rachel Sussman –author of the Breakup Bible, you can keep passion alive and thriving through regular and productive (no blaming, shaming, or complaining, please) communication with your partner about sex.
Be sure to discuss the following:
Make a commitment to make sex a priority!
Take the time to discuss what sex means to each of you. To my husband sex=love. To me it equals affection. His need might be a little more pressing than mine.
If you lead a busy life (and who doesn’t) it’s perfectly OK to put sex dates on the calendar. Don’t worry that scheduling may become “formulaic” –looking forward to sex is a treat for a guy. And ladies, if you put it on the calendar…do not change the playdate without a conversation and a reschedule. (It’s like telling your kid you are going to Disneyland and canceling because you have a headache. Be kind to your man!)
Shake it up. Try something new. I’ll leave it at that!
Worried that you won’t be “in the mood”? Allow yourself a “transitional time”. If sex is in the calendar tonight (or if you’d like it to be) – prepare yourself earlier in the day. Send your spouse a flirty text. Take a bubble bath, grab a glass of wine and allow the days stressors to slide off. Light a few candles, grab your iPod and set the mood.
Have fun, enjoy the love of your life, and make your marriage a priority!
It’s been a hot topic lately –“why kids are leaving the church.” Over and over it seems church pundits want to blame old pastors wearing skinny jeans as the culprit. Apparently, the sight of a forty year old with a goatee and paste on jeans makes our youth want to barf and disassociate from the gospel.
They say the church isn’t authentic enough… “Relevant” yes, but lacking meat and potatoes. They say it’s a McDonaldized version of the world with a happy meal Jesus. The church entertains but fails to teach. The atheists come at youth with science; the church comes at kids with rules. The church is judgmental to their gay friends and we focus too much on sex and marriage and “looking good” vs. being good.
This anti-church message propagated on the radio by the rapper Macklemore, whom my kids love, claims the church paraphrases verses out of a 3500 year old book to shame and browbeat those outside the religious parameters.
And our kids are listening. They hear celebrities and artists who lift up and associate Jesus with everything BUT the church.
And it makes me sad, because this hasn’t been my experience with ministry.
(If you go to one of these terrible places that treat its youth with disdain, then leave.)
My experience with the church and youth ministry has simply been befuddlement. Why are so many kids leaving the church and not coming back? We try so hard and yet we are losing them? What is the secret sauce to draw them back?
While I believe some of the millennial critiques hold credence in a sad and awkward way, I’m not buying the laundry list of nitpicky justifications young people use to reject the church as the real and underlying reason.
All of the millennial criticism I hear boils down to one thing. (And I don’t need a top ten list to tell you with neat little bulleted points)
So why kids are kids leaving the church?
I believe it’s a lack of love.
Remember Jesus? He’s the guy who ate with sinners and gangsters, hookers, pimps and hoes. Jesus is the man who loved the sexually immoral (pretty sure this includes gays too), turned over tables and healed the seriously messed up.
The church in its efforts to gain the youth and save the “lost generation” have forgotten the main thing.
Love
We focus on new buildings, more awesome bands, food trucks and large crowds. We think we need just one more thing to get them to come back, but when we do this we get lost and caught up in the swirly whirly distraction of the world.
I know great parents who have sent their kids to the mega awesome Church to be DAZZLED and instead their kids come home with a drug addiction from dealers in the church parking lot.
Just because a church attracts a big crowd doesn’t mean Jesus is moving in the lives of our kids. The draw at these BIG TEEN EVENTS might be good drugs, hot chicks and free food. Last time I checked, I can send my teen to a rave for a $10 fee. I certainly don’t need my tithe money to cover it.
What about love? What about people who care about our kids? What about parents engaging with their kids and serving side by side with them and using less words and more action?
We can’t just tell our kids to be good; we need to be honest about our own brokenness and the healing power of Christ.
We need to be let down our perfectly pinned up church hair and remember our struggles with temptation as teenagers. We need to let them know we went down some dark roads too and that God’s love is relentless in its pursuit.
I didn’t make it through high school with my innocence intact and quite honestly; my brokenness is what leads me to Christ.
The kid that tries drugs or pre-marital sex or even walking away from Christ with unanswered questions may actually be closer to God than the devoted and quiet student who shows up every week to Sunday School and serves in Children’s Ministry.
Who are we to judge the state of a man’s heart?
I hold on to the verse, ”Raise up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
Why do we gloss over the “when he is old” part? There is a gap in between the youth and old. Maybe the gap includes living and loving, hurting, questioning, and finally returning to the arms of the father.
Why do we punish our kids for the gap years? Why do we focus on the prodigal son and forget that God gave us two stories –one of a kid who followed the rules and one who ran away –and yet both were loved.
We need to allow our kids to question the mystery and bigness of God and we need to stop acting like we have all the answers. (Read the book of Job again if you think you know it all)
The appeal of Jesus to anyone – a millennial, a young family, a divorced woman, or an old codger is love. We are to love God and love one another. We aren’t instructed to put on a show and work our ministers to death so they are so exhausted and grumpy and so un-loving that our kids see just another man (or woman) in a monkey suit (insert skinny jeans) working for achievement.
When a pastor or a CHRISTIAN doesn’t have time for a hurting kid, we missed an important step along the way.
My son met a kid at the Spectrum (about 15 years old) who passionately spoke his mind about Jesus and God and love. After that night, my kid has looked at his relationship with Christ a little differently. He prays more. I find his Bible (gasp) open in the morning next to his bed.
This is a kid who also has a chip on his shoulder about the church. My son is a pastor’s kid and survived a church plant. And while some kids make it through puberty thinking the church is AMAZING, my son has seen some of the darker sides of ministry.
And yet he is still drawn to Jesus. When he saw another kid s passion and love for the Lord, it made an impact.
Love burst forth from this kid and mountains moved.
We need to teach our kids that we can’t judge Jesus by the church. Jesus loves the church and died for the church, but we are a broken lot who mess and muddle up love on a regular basis. We need Jesus to forgive us for misrepresenting him. And we need to ask our kids to forgive us for giving them a half version of the gospel.
Jesus is to be our model of love. The church is the place we try to work it out in community. Do our kids understand this?
I don’ think kid’s care so much about “cool church” as we think…
My middle daughter is wooed to Jesus through the relationships in her life. I have been consistently overwhelmed at the women surrounding her (female youth pastor, worship leader, and BEAUTIFUL neighbors) who are pouring into her heart and showing her what love and God look like on a daily basis. She is encouraged to serve alongside them, care for their children, worship God with all her heart and model their love in action.
She could care less if they are cool. She cares that they love her and they love God.
I remember the same thing in college. I heard a young pastor explain Jesus in a simple way. He was bursting with fire and exuberance. And I was drawn to the person of Jesus Christ. I couldn’t help but connect with authentic love, relevant sacrifice and a purpose to seek and save the lost, the broken and the disenfranchised of the world.
It’s about love –not REASONS why the church is blowing it. Those are just distractions.
When I hear someone go on and on about what moves them, I can’t help but get excited. It’s why we sob at weddings and act like idiots at football games.
We engage in a story that’s bigger than ourselves and we remember what it feels like to be alive.
And we fall in love all over again.
I don’t think our kids are leaving because we (the church) haven’t tried. We have tried until we are blue in the face. I just think we have forgotten the main thing.
We think kids want skate parks and nifty bracelets, Chick Fillet and hip lounge chairs.
Really? I think a crappy old sofa with a caring young adult eating PB& J’s would suffice.
When we allow Jesus to not only transform us but to move within us, love becomes the fabric of our being.
And it changes lives.
I believe the biggest obstacle to our kids not finding Jesus is not the failure of the church…I know the church has tried, it’s a failure to remember what drew us to God in the first place.
