This might sound a little unconventional–but hear me out.
After three years of begging and pleading and threatening–we have finally found the key to behavior modification with our kid.
Five bucks a day.
Yep, five bucks a day–that’s what it takes to change a habit in my teenage son.
Every day he does the thing I want him to do–which is stretch his hips–and I reward him.
So why the money?
Because, quite frankly, NOTHING else was working.
My son, as many of you know, is an elite athlete. And don’t get me wrong, Kyle is fast, but he could be even faster. Even a tiny gain (2/10 of a second) can mean a big deal in football. Speed equals explosiveness and open hips give him the the ability to change directions fast. As a linebacker it’s crucial.
It also means less injuries, because a flexible person is bendy and when they get hit hard–they bend.
But Kyle could not, would not be forced into doing anything. This is what they call a TEENAGER. And it’s so fun as a parent trying to work with a belligerent donkey.
We were stumped…
A few weeks ago, my husband heard the author of The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg, at a church conference talking about the formation of new habits. He came home with the book and the information excited to try it out.
So we gamely played along and let Kyle be our first case study in the Keller home.
According to Duhigg, the key to habit change is to:
1. Make it easy to do the thing (for example, set out the yoga mat for him to stretch the night before)
2. Have an instant positive reward ($5 deposit into his high school checking)
Truthfully, Tim and I were doubtful. Kyle already burns the midnight oil and trains relentlessly along with studying into the wee hours of the night. It was just “one more thing” we were harping on him to do. He already stretches every day and now we were asking him to do more.
Kyle, like all of us, wants to have good habits. His intent is good but he just needed a kick in the pants and a reason that didn’t suck to go above and beyond the ordinary.
I’m here to give the praise of Mr. Duhigg, because his system worked.
Every day our kid gets up 15 minutes early and stretches. And every day I deposit the money in his bank account.
For all those parents thinking I don’t have an extra $150 to give my kid a month, the reward doesn’t have to be financial. It just has to be something small and easy to give immediately.
For my five year old it could be reading her favorite book for the hundredth time for five minutes or playing Barbies.
But for us and with this kid, the money made sense. Now that our son can drive, we probably spend that amount on him anyway because he’s always asking for money for gas or to hit Starbucks and Chick-Filet.
According to Duhigg, the best habit changers in the study group were were runners who allowed themselves a small piece of chocolate after each run. It was an immediate and tangible reward. And for those people who love chocolate…very effective!
The people who wanted to gain a running habit laid out their running shoes the night before and rewarded themselves immediately after.
And presto…new habit formed.
I for one, can’t wait to see all the things we can accomplish with our kids as we put this system to work.
And honestly, I also can’t wait to see all the things I accomplish, because sometimes, I need a kick in the pants too!
(And a little glass of a good Cabernet or a tasty chocolate sounds like a lovely reward to me)
My husband and I sit in a café and discuss buying a car.
Tim is the type of guy who becomes an expert on something before he pulls the trigger. So by this point, he can now tell me the make, model and location of every top-rated used car under 10k in the OC area.
We’ve narrowed it down to two options—one is new and one is used. The new car is a 2015 Hyundai Elantra and it’s AWESOME and has all the bells and whistles we “po’ ministry folk” are unaccustomed to. It’s a deal beyond a deal but it’s also out of our budget.
The used car is well, ummm…used. It has great gas mileage and it’s a 2006 Prius and more fiscally responsible—meaning we can afford it. it’s also good for the environment—right?
(did I mention the new car has a back-up camera, so cool!)
“What would our friend’s do?” My husband Tim asks.
“”Well we can’t compare ourselves to our neighbors because we make about a third of their incomes.” I reply.
“Ok, who do we compare ourselves to then?” Tim responds.
“We compare ourselves to the Ramsay’s. John is a pastor. Deanna is a singer/speaker and works part time. That’s an appropriate comparison.”
Tim looks at me wide eyed. “Yeah, but Deanna won a car on the Ellen Show.”
I nod. “Yeah, that kind of stuff doesn’t happen to us.”
We hold hands. Our tummies churn and we contemplate our finances.
……
This whole car business started because of a few numbers.
366,000
A big number, certainly, It’s also the amount of miles shared between our two aging but faithful SUV’s.
16 ½
That’s how many years my son has been alive. Not so big—but a big kid milestone. In two short weeks, my almost senior boy/man gets his license and like any teenage boy, Kyle is ready to roll
So we start a search for an another automobile that get’s more than the whopping 12 mpg of our 2004 Expedition or the 15 mpg of my newer 2006 Xterra.
The budget is limited. We have some money saved—enough for another really crappy car—but we also have mounting expenses from Tim’s hospital bills (spine injury and subsequent surgery), three kids this year in private school and college looming. Truthfully, it’s a tad overwhelming.
Tim finds some cars online and we debate each one’s merits like it’s a resolution in the UN.
Tim’s sweet father, upon hearing our car predicament, offers us a large chunk of change. We are thrilled and so blessed to be cared for so lavishly!
Now we had enough to get a NEWER used car. (And yes, for all those wondering, we could have financed a newer car but are committed to keeping our overhead low rather than raising it)
Through the car ministry at our church we are put in touch with the owner of the Hyundai dealership in Tustin. After a great phone conversation, he invites us to his dealership and we test drive a used Elantra and with a little prompting from the salesman a new one.
(ok, it’s not like he had to push real hard)
With the tremendous discount the owner of the dealership offers us (did I mention he is a generous volunteer at our main campus?), the new car is only 3 thousand more than the used car, but still, 6 thousand more than our budget. They are going above and beyond to bless us. The discount is even more than employees get.
Now what do we do? Do we justify spending more because it’s a great deal?
We go and sit in the 2015 model and pray, lifting this car dealio up to God. The people in the dealership probably think we are Jesus dorks—whatever. We close our eyes, hold hands and talk to God. We surrender up the decision and go to lunch.
…………..
Back at the cafe we make the painful choice to let the shiny new car go. It stings a little because it’s SO AWESOME, but we probably shouldn’t have been shopping in the lot we couldn’t afford to begin with.
I leave the restaurant and call my step-dad. He asks what I was doing at the dealership. I tell him about the two cars and how we have decided to stay within our budget, honor our financial goals to lower our overhead, and be responsible with the precious gift Tim’s father has given us.
“Why, don’t I give you the money? Six thousand–I’ll just give it to you.” My step-dad offers happily.
Silent tears stream down my face. “I wasn’t asking for money.”
“I know honey, he replies. “I love you. It’s a gift.”
And I think back to my own words. “That kind of stuff doesn’t happen to us,” And like Peter I am blown away at my doubts and God’s provision.
The next day we return to the dealership and climb in the new car before we write the check to take it home. As the ignition fires up a song blasts through the car.
God in my living, there in my breathing
God in my waking, God in my sleeping
God in my resting, there in my working
God in my thinking, God in my speaking
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
God in my hoping, there in my dreaming
God in my watching, God in my waiting
God in my laughing, there in my weeping
God in my hurting, God in my healing
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Christ in me, Christ in me
Christ in me, the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me, Christ in me
Christ in me, the hope of glory
Be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
God in my hoping, there in my dreaming
God in my watching, God in my waiting
God in my laughing, there in my weeping
God in my hurting, God in my healing
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything
Christ in me, Christ in me
Christ in me, the hope of glory
You are everything
You are everything, You are everything
You are everything, You are everything
Jesus, everything, Jesus, everything
Jesus, everything, Jesus everything
We look at each other in amazement. “You think God is trying to tell us something,” I weakly laugh swiping away at the tears running down my cheeks.
Back inside the dealership, Tim asks the salesman, “Did you turn it to a Christian station because you know I’m a pastor?”
The salesman replies, “No, generally the boys in the back play the thump-thump music when they get the cars ready.”
We give each other the look—the “OMG, I’m freaking out inside look.”
I call my step-dad on the way home and tell him the story.
“I’m a part of an answered prayer?” he says.
“Yep, you are.” I whisper.
“Huh.”
I can picture his bemused grin over the phone.
Later I thank God in my prayers.
And I think about the love of a father—Tim’s father who blessed us, my step-dad who surprised us so generously, and our Father God who blew us away with this gift.
We didn’t ask. We didn’t beg. We aren’t worthier than any other person out there. But God through our parents gifted us anyway.
Everything. He is my Everything.
One day later we sit in church and the last song of the service sounds familiar.
God in my living, there in my breathing
God in my waking, God in my sleeping
God in my resting, there in my working
God in my thinking, God in my speaking
