Not So Dirty Words

My elegant and always beautiful mother got on my case today for being redundant (which is a plight worse than death to a connoisseur of words). Apparently I’ve been using the word “crap” too much as of late –which is sort of funny because it’s not even the word I want to use.

“Crap” is an interim word –my Nicorette alternative to the real bad word which got me into hot water with the religious right who think I should be excommunicated for swearing.

So, I’m in this wishy-washy wasteland of trying to clean up my potty mouth and it’s not a pretty place to be. There aren’t that many words to describe my angst and sometimes the perfect word is a bad word and all I have to replace it is –the stupid “C” word. Oh, man there it again.

I’ve therefore decided to do some alternative bad word research and compile the greatest list known to mankind. (Parents: This is a PG-13 Rated List for slightly disturbing animal references and words that sound bad but aren’t)

Sam’s Not So Bad Word List

  1. Cursed Monkey Parts
  2. “Fargin Bastiges” (from Johnny Dangerously)
  3. Jack Wagon (one of my personal favorites)
  4. Crike
  5. Shazbot
  6. Son of a Biscuit
  7. Jiminy Hee Haw
  8. Shut the Front Door!
  9. Cheese and Rice
  10. What the Fish?
  11. “F,” or “eff”
  12. Pickle you Kumquat
  13. You IceHole!
  14. Drat
  15. Nuts
  16. Fark
  17. Sufferin Sucatash (Bugs Bunny)
  18. Ai Caramba/ Ai Chihuahua
  19. Son of Batches
  20. Blasted Tarnation
  21. Putain
  22. Mofakka
  23. Peanut Butter Bone Head (my personal creation)
  24. Blankhole
  25. Motherblanker
  26. “Oh Kelly Clarkson” (from 40 Year-old Virgin)
  27. arugula
  28. “faaaaaaaaaa”
  29. Poop on a Stick
  30. “inbreeders”
  31. shiitake mushrooms
  32. Dag gum it
  33. Bugger
  34. Badwordbadwordbadword
  35. Poo
  36. Jiminy Crickets
  37. William Shatner
  38. Rat Bastard
  39. Abominable Puss-Bucket
  40. Duck Sticker
  41. Cockadoodie used by the malevolent Annie Wilkes as an alternative for cursing in Stephen King’s novel Misery
  42. Catastrophuck A situation (i.e. a poorly planned, under-manned, under-equipped, mismanaged war) that reaches a point of horrific disarray. — from “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” (10/3/06)
  43. You “Lando” (meaning “sell out” from Empire Strikes Back)
  44. Jinkies (Scooby Doo)
  45. Leaf Licker (Land Before Time)
  46. Mary-Jane rotten-crotch – from R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket (my husband thinks this line is hilarious but it’s borderline gross)
  47. Uranus (love this!!!!)
  48. Nutsucker (a baby squirrel)
  49. Sugar Honey Iced Tea – from the movie Madagascar. An acronym of the dreaded “S” word.
  50. Wrinklies – refers to…well, umm, the lower man parts –from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode School Hard.

Now I have no excuse mom, because I can use one of these fine descriptive words. The “C” word is OFFICIALLY retired!

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