Why Men Aren’t Asking Women Out

Why Aren’t Men Asking Women Out?

Every now and then, a woman will sneak up to me after we speak at an event and with teary eyes choke out, “I’m not very attractive and men don’t ask me out.  Like EVER.”

My heart aches when I see a woman in despair and hopelessness.  They desperately want me to have a fix-it-all answer and I am left stuttering. 

Helping a woman date well is pointless when there are no dates to go on.

I usually respond by going back to God’s word and reassuring them of his ravishing love for them and their true worth and beauty.  But in all honesty, it’s a hard sell when a woman believes she is an ugly duck and no man is willing to fight for her heart and convince her otherwise. 

Ruth Rutherford’s blog –I Kissed my Date Goodnight explores this topic in greater detail.

Although I am weak on answers, my husband and I do have an opinion as to why this scenario is playing out more and more often with single women.

And it’s not because we are JUST an image obsessed culture.  It goes much deeper.

The Problem

The problem is the over-sexualization of our culture. And porn magnifies this.

When men watch beautiful women expose and degrade themselves on a regular basis they begin to subconsciously believe they are entitled to a hot chick that operates in the same fashion in real life. 

But there are a limited number of women who meet this elite criteria.  That leaves the rest of us.

Prior to the first Playboy in mass circulation, it seems as though men were more likely to move towards marriage and relationship.  A below average looking guy would pursue and love a woman who might not meet all of the societal norms of beauty. 

Unfortunately, these days he would rather stay single and settle for his hand and a box of Kleenex.  Real women are complicated and take effort but a fantasy porn woman will bark at his command. 

Porn is cheap and easy.

Many men’s expectations have become so distorted by pornographic images they lose the ability to even be intimate with a woman not digitized on a screen.  As more and more men isolate, real women suffer the consequences and ultimately men do too, although they may not realize it until it’s too late.

The truth is we have an enemy who loves to destroy relationships and porn ruins a man’s ability to engage in healthy dating relationships before he even begins. 

It’s not like this is a new scheme of Satan’s.  Reading throughout the Bible, rampant promiscuity is not fresh to modernity.  It’s just getting more prevalent and widespread with technology.

No Easy Solution

Sadly, there are no any easy or pat answers.  I have a teenage son.  I know all too well it’s a battle men face on a daily basis with an adversary who plays into their weaknesses.

I wish it were different.  But until the day Jesus returns I believe many of us will be left wanting and craving for something more.   

What do you think?

Photo Credit: Via Pinterest

Comments

  1. Bookish B says:

    Hey, Scrappy,
     
    You’re long on good analysis and short on satisfying resolution. However, first things first.
     
    FIRST THING
    While porn is a true destroyer of mens’ desire to date (and risk) it was not all one sided. Every single one of a cadre of young men I have been mentoring over the years assures me that their dates resort to all kinds of tricks to determine their net worth before too many dates have happened. Neither gender is guiltless when it comes being too careful, or too mercenary in the pursuit of true love.
     
    SECOND THING
    Perhaps I should recuse myself, living as I do in a long marriage. However, even among my young men, they come to a place where they realize this life is not so much a “spouse hunt” as a God hunt. They begin to process the myriad of character details that will contribute to their becoming men worth marrying, not by dating a lot but by seeking God a lot.
     
    For them, it is a case of exercising their trust muscles more and transforming into the person God wants them to be (and their future wives will need them to be). For most of the young men, they come to a place of satisfaction and contentedness with whatever God has, including life long single celibacy and singleness. At that precise moment of personal surrender to God –watch out! Things can move very quickly from there.
     
    SATISFYING RESOLUTION
    I am pleased to report attending two of my young men’s weddings in the last year. Either of them I would have considered solid marriage material for any woman I regarded as a daughter. Miracles still happen but they start in God and continue only in God.
     
    You do fine work, Scrappy! Keep it up!
     
    “Bookish B”

    • Hi Bruce,
      You are right about being long on resolution. All theory on this post 🙂

      I think the resolution is people like you and people like Tim and me who have a heart for single men to help them understand God’s plan and design for their lives. I wasn’t trying to do any male bashing and I hope that came through but I don’t always know how my audience will read me.

      I do feel like men are being attacked and duped and only God can undo the lies we buy into.

      I know that once guys “get it” they usually move towards healthy relationship pretty quick. I’ve seen it over and over. It’s awesome!

      I love your ministry to young men and pray we can change the landscape of dating one couple at a time.

      Sam

  2. Mike Goff says:

    Howdy!

    I’m not to pretend to know everything about dating, women, and this problem. I’m just your average college guy, but I do have a bit of a different perspective on this situation, especially being like many guys out there who are not the poster child for Christianity (or put in whatever religion that other guys associate themselves with).

    Porn is not necessarily the problem. It’s like the message that Jesus, and the many philosophers old and new, have said, “Everything in moderation.” Porn is wrong, yes. Premarital sex it wrong, yes. Men objectifying women is wrong, yes. Women dressing like (for lack of a better term) sluts is wrong, yes. But people do these things anyways. With certain things there is a happy medium. If a woman thinks she is very attractive but can’t get a date, my suggestion would be to try to be a bit more forward. Wear a low cut shirt maybe. Men are very physical, we like to see a sexy woman, but not a slutty woman. Try to initiate the conversation. Men like a confident woman who is comfortable enough to be bold and go talk to a guy. Do NOT go out with a group of like 10 girls. Go with just a few, like 3 or 4. Us single guys believe there is strength in numbers and get very intimidated when there is a bunch of girls around the one we are interested. That being said, if a girl sees a guy she likes, she should isolate herself from her friends and go to the bar and get a drink by herself. That can give the guy the chance/confidence he needs to go talk to her. If they don’t drink, then some similar legitimate excuse to leave her friends for a second.

    – Mike

    • Mike- struggling with your first assertion… How can you say “everything in moderation” (which Jesus never said, by the way) and also declare that porn, premarital sex and objectifying women is wrong? If the statement is true about everything in moderation, it must be true of porn, premarital sex and objectifying women too. You can’t have it both ways… Either there is a standard to live by or there isn’t. And then who decides what that standard is? You? Me? Society? Thank goodness we have a God that loves us and gives us amazing gifts like sex and relationships!

    • Mike, are you saying that porn is wrong but that it’s ok in moderation? As is premarital sex and men objectifying women? These things are ok in moderation? What about stealing things? Murder? Heroine in moderation? Child abuse? Rape? Are they “wrong” just because society says they are or because they’re destructive things that will damage a person to the core? And if they do in fact (and they DO in fact) damage a person, then why on earth would any of them be ok “in moderation”? And no, Jesus never said anything even remotely akin to ‘everything in moderation’…you’re thinking of the ancient Romans, society of the vomitoriums and group orgies. Moderation indeed.

    • so noone picked up on his statements including “wear a low cut shirt” and beyond? God help us…

  3. As a guy I have a very different perspective. I’ve dated a ton of women – more than I care to admit.

    I don’t think porn is the real problem as to why these girls aren’t getting dates. Any honest Christian single guy will admit he’d much rather marry and sleep with his wife/best friend the rest of his life than settle for porn.

    I feel for the women who are “great girls” but aren’t getting dates. If I were their brother I’d probably ask them some pointed questions. Do they just feel unattractive or do they really need a total make-over on a TV show? There’s a lot of power in making deliberate life changes and it’s possible to change one’s life.

    I don’t think many women realize how attractive they can be just by working on their inner selves. It’s powerful to meet a woman with an amazing attitude, wit, charm, personality, humility, sense of humor, godliness, intelligence, and kindness.

    At the end of the day only certain people are going to be attracted to you and it is what it is, but you have to work with the material you have. The good news is that every woman can work on her inner self and outward presentation as well.

    A note on personal responsibility: God gives us the tools but expects us to take responsibility for our lives. Yes, He can work miracles, but it’s silly to think we can behave one way and expect God to bless us with an outcome contrary to our behavior. For example, I’m stumped when I hear of the type of women who sit around and whine and complain about how they can’t lose weight and don’t have a boyfriend while woofing down a pizza every night, and then they call the skinny girl a bitch. Really?

    There’s no simple answer but here’s my two cents on steps for these “nice but perpetually single women”…

    1. Pray a ton and grow in your relationship with God every way possible. Understand who you are a part from a man. You don’t need a man to be a whole and complete person. You’ll only fully understand who you are in His eyes.

    2. Be very, very involved in your local church. “If you’re in the right places, you’ll probably meet the right kind of person.”

    3. Find your passions in life and tap into them! Live life to the fullest. Travel, make new friends, hang out where other single people hang out (in healthy environments – bars and clubs not so much). Get out! Volunteer. Join a club. Take a class. Passion is sexy.

    4. Show yourself some love! Overhaul your diet and hit the gym. This has more to do with how you look – it has a lot to do with how you’re going to feel: confident, alert, and alive – that’s attractive. Show yourself some love and (a) change your diet which is 85% of physical fitness, and (b) hit the gym. If you don’t love yourself, how are going to love someone else? Love your body. Take care of it. Don’t see any results right away? Stick with it. It’s a process. Even if you don’t see any changes at all you will feel better and have more energy and that’s attractive. Some women keep themselves overweight to keep men away so they won’t get hurt – I’ve never understood that one. If that’s where you are, get a good counselor and work through it. Do whatever you need to do to get 100% healthy emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

    5. Be happy single! Reread that sentence fifty times. News flash: guys aren’t looking for someone who’s unhappy single. They’re looking for someone who’s happy and passionate about life! Smile! Men are drawn to women who smile and are happy.

    6. Learn how to flirt. Some women just don’t have this down and need to figure it out. It’s easy. Just go out and practice this several times with no intention of meeting anyone.

    7. What Christian Men Want. Are you unclear on what single Christian guys want? I’ll spell it out – it’s simple. The average guy wants (a) a woman to be his best friend and have a lot of fun with her doing things (hiking, travel, life stuff, etc.), (b) he wants to have a ton of sex with his wife, and (c) he wants her to grow in her faith with him. That’s pretty much it. We don’t get too uptight about what your nails look like or what shoes you’re wearing. What dress did you wear last night? Uhhh, I have no idea but you looked hot in it.

    8. A note about friends: If you’re working hard to transform your life and your friends are threatened by your life changes and are even undermining your work to change, leave them! They are losers. Make new friends in your new yoga class, at church, or while volunteering.

    -Henry

    • #7 just depresses me. “The average (Christian) guy wants (a) a woman to be his best friend and have a lot of fun with her doing things (hiking, travel, life stuff, etc.), (b) he wants to have a ton of sex with his wife, and (c) he wants her to grow in her faith with him.”

      Really? What about loving her? Caring for her? Starting a family together? Being a good father? Going after dreams in business, life, etc? Making a difference together in the world? Maybe I’m too picky, but I’d really like a husband that wants more than someone to hike with, have sex with, and go to church with. Please, Lord, tell me there is more out there for all of us!

      • I really couldn’t have said it much better than Henry did above. Ruth, I believe Henry was referring to the top things a Christian male wants in a wife- of course there are more than just those three things and I want the others that you mentioned above as well, but if I had to condense my top 10 list into just 3, it would probably look very similar.

      • Ruth, of course a Christian guy will love, care for his wife, and want to be a great father. We think about work all the time. My point is that these other things are typical things that most guys are interested in, need/want for a happy relationship. I encourage you to read “For Women Only” by Feldhahn to get a better grasp of what men want and a glimpse into how we think. I’d argue that having fun, having, sex, and growing spiritually are pretty awesome in marriage since they’re all fundamentally God-inspired. I wish you the best in seeing men from God’s perspective.

        • Henry, I’m interested in hearing how you think men should view women from God’s perspective. Does that include how they flirt, diet, workout? How is it that we are perfectly made in God’s image in all shapes, sizes, passions, yet there can be a general list of things to do to get asked out? I think a lot of men are missing beautiful women who are living for God and not living to get a date. “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4. Why is it different for a man to just throw his hands up and say “he’s just visual”, but a woman must work to be attractive to men? God made women just as they are as well as the visual men. Just my opinion obviously, but I want to be a woman who is seeking God’s heart and not a date with someone who gives me a list of how to be more attractive to them.

    • Henry is right…men DO want somebody to cuddle up with in front of a Cowboys game, enjoy bedroom life with, and read the Bible with…but that’s about it.

      The long drivel that makes up the rest of his comment is incredibly shallow, ignorant, and short-sighted. When I first saw the title, “Why Men Aren’t Asking Women Out”, a little thought popped into my head…

      “Why men aren’t asking women out? That’s simple. Porn.”

      For Henry to dismiss pornography and the general sexualization of our society as one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, contributors to this problem means he has his head in the sand.

      Recently, I have discovered that multiple men very close to me…older men that I have looked up to, some of which that are in ministry or deacons of churches who have by all accounts healthy, close relationships with the Lord have struggled with pornography recently or in the not so distant past. These are men who have served as my personal heroes and confidants, all of which are in their 40s and 50s, all of which have daughters…

      And they have all come to me separately in the past year to confess that while they were giving me advice in my struggles…they were struggling with lust and secret sins of their own in a way that boys do now starting as early as elementary or middle school. If these types of men are struggling with this, it’s undoubtedly even bigger than any of us probably even realize.

      Pornography and constant easy access to sexual imagery is re-programming our brains one click at a time and the result will be many men and many women that are single much later into their lives, if not for the rest of their lives as well as many ruined marriages that are entered into without full disclosure of the digital women that the groom brings into the equation from Day 1.

      In the spirit of transparency, I have met girls before and thought to myself, “She seems awesome. I would ask her out but [insert physical feature] doesn’t really match up with what I’m into.” I’ve tried to capture those thoughts and re-train my thinking in these areas but with a world full of men that are more likely driven by lust and fulfilling physical desires with such quick and simple ease rather than being driven by Christ-like motivations, there will undoubtedly be millions of women who will continue to pay the price.

      The only thing women can really do is pray and ask the Lord to show them areas that they’re falling short in their relationship with him, which will undoubtedly make them more attractive to the right type of man. Also, continue to pray for your future husband. It’s very likely that he is in a spiritual battle with sin and the enemy that needs your interceding.

      As for men…there are a lot of difficult choices to be made, but the first of which is to step up, take responsibility, get our heads out of the sand, and start fighting for the wives and the children that God has yet to entrust us with because we’ve been warped by a computer screen.

      • What no one is addressing here are the laws pertaining to marriage.I would never get married under US law.That is a suicide mission.Men have no rights at all.One phone call to the cops and you are in jail and labeled a criminal.Alimony,child support,legal fees etc. etc.The cost is no where near the benefit.Every man I know that has been married has regretted it and called it “the worst mistake of my life”.I suggest that you young men consult an attorney beforehand as well as talk to someone that who has been thru family court.They will set you straight as you are more than likely to have your life destroyed by the current system.

    • Mr. Howard, your perspective is gold. Your heart in this response is so lovely, and you’ve stopped me in my heated tracks. Thank you for your honesty and leadership.

      Henry, you have oversimplified the plight of the dateless girl. As a once-dateless-girl myself, I would advise you never to share this list of self-improvement to-do’s with any woman you don’t wish to further alienate. By shifting the blame squarely onto her shoulders, your comment effectively evades the issue Sam has brought up here…she has said the girls she sees seem to be doing all the “right” things, but still find themselves alone. So I would ask, as pointedly as possible, if we assume the girls are all hot (ahem, not “woofing down a pizza every night”), they are following God, they are smart, passionate, and dress well, why do the men around them stay silent? Is there any reason BESIDES the porn in their lives that would leave them so damaged and blind as to let these hot, godly, passionate, smart girls get away?

      • Heidi, guys pursue women they’re attracted to. If he’s not asking her out he’s just not into her. I suggest you give Mr. Howard your number.

        • I’m married. Thanks for the advice.

          • Heidi and other ladies I’ve repelled into the next county, my profuse apologies for over-simplifying the plight of the dateless woman. I am not one and it’s hard to relate.

            I had an adopted sister who unfortunately passed away five years ago. She was not popular in high school and struggled socially. She had few dates and the men she did choose were not good ones. What she went through socially was brutal, not so much from guys but from the other girls she had to deal with. I mean totally cruel. I saw women in a whole new light after that. I had it easy but didn’t fully appreciate her situation until later. She ended up marrying a guy who was a loser – pot head, selling drugs, and eventually cheated on her and they divorced. Her life turned out totally different from what I expected. I wish there was something I could’ve done to help her to meet a great guy. But I knew she had so much pride she had to be the one to figure it all out – she wasn’t going to let anyone help her. I understand her unique experience of being dateless, and I know why and it wasn’t fair, but honestly I had no solution for her except to try to be a good brother. I have no idea what any man could suggest on here that’s going to “fix” anything. You can’t make people behave a certain way – you can with robots but not people.

            If you think a woman is “hot” in church and she’s not getting asked out by guys it could be for a thousand reasons – just like women can have a thousand reasons for rejecting us when we ask them out. It doesn’t mean the men are “damaged”. By the way, church is one of the best but also weirdest environments to date because it’s like no other. Odds are good you’re going to see this person again, and us guys know women talk. A TON! Church is like dating in a fish bowl. Everyone sees what you’re doing. We know that 5 minutes after the first date, every other single woman in the church knows about it, concludes you’re a couple, they think you’re about to set a date, and then they eliminate us as a potential candidate to date. Ever. “I won’t date him… he dated so-and-so and I know her.” Gossip. Gossip. Gossip. Consequently, us guys are only going to pursue someone we’re very serious about if we meet in church. And, that might take the path of getting to know someone over a period of time to see what’s going on rather than just jumping in. I have a friend who referred to it as the “silver bullet” principle. His rule was that you could date one woman at church but if that didn’t work out, you might only have a “silver bullet” to date someone else in that social circle (depending on how the first one ended). If the second one doesn’t work out then you’re screwed – no one will date you because you’ll be gossiped about as a “serial dater”. Women can be cruel, immature, and can wreck you behind your back. Do you see what women do to us guys? Women want the entire planet to know they’re dating someone. We don’t – unless we know it’s on. Try seeing it from the guy’s perspective. Women don’t exactly make it easy. And, most mega churches do nothing to foster any social environment for singles – they could care less about us because we’re no good to them until we get married, start popping out kids, buy a house, and writing checks every week. It’s a DIY project.

            I will never again give any advice of any kind to any women on this forum (or possibly ever). I’ll just listen, stroke your ego, and tell you you’re right – every time. Probably good practice for marriage. “Yes, all those passive single church dudes are blind morons and should be asking out all those ‘hot’ women in church – they’re perfect and flawless. The men need to pull it together!!!”

    • The wording is interesting in some parts but these are great tips and I agree with you. I just hope this same advice (slightly tweaked as necessary and not for male convenience) is given to guys too. These are things that can apply to pretty much all human beings.

  4. If you watch enough porn, you notice a trend where the women are the initiators. More and more, men are told by porn two things: (1) You are so irresistible women can do no other than initiate with you and (2) Women do the initiating, so much so that you never have to. Because of this, men don’t want to ask women out, because their fantasy women do the initiating. I think it comes to a head for some people in dominatrix style fantasies, which are by no means new, but I think representative of the message that a lot of men get.

    It promotes insecurity and a poor view of women. I’ve dated two girls for a total of roughly three years. I’ve never asked a girl out. The first threw herself at me and the second I waited until I could make sure the feelings would be reciprocated before I let her know. Because of the messages I had been given by porn, I was told women would come to me, and that I should wait until I could see it. In both relationships, it ended up being a problem. Now I’m aware that I have to step up to the plate and do some initiating if I want to start on the right foot, but porn detracts from that because of the message it sends.

  5. Sam –
    Love your comments and think that there is merit to what you are saying, but I think placing the bulk of why some women don’t get asked out at the feet of an oversexualized culture might be a reach? I agree with the things Henry said.
    Women can always look at men and say – it’s their fault (for whatever reason) that I’m not getting asked out (or married.) It’s always easier to blame than to ask the tough questions about – what can I do to change myself to be more like the Christ and more attractive to the type of man I want as a husband?

    I’m not suggesting that women need to loosen their moral standards in order to “find a guy” or more appropriately in my mind – for a guy to pursue them. I’ve written this as one sided but would firmly stand with any comments that indicate that Christian men need to step up and lead.
    a few thoughts:
    1. The numbers / Not Every Man can lead every woman – I’m an engineer (I mean nerd) so let me throw some numbers at you. I’m assuming that we are limiting our discussion to Bible believing men/women who adhere to a few principles: *Don’t be unequally yoked. (most would say – marry a believer; I would add running at your pace spiritually) *Men should lead (this presupposes that they can lead and that the person they want to lead will follow). The split between men and women is roughly 50% – so there’s not a significant gap in the population, BUT in the church the split is 4 women to 3 men. i.e for every 9 guys there are 12 women. I am assuming here that all men can lead all women – which I would argue is not the case. The more capable you are as a woman the smaller the pool of men that you can draw from and still find someone you are willing to follow and who is running at your same pace. As a dad of 3 daughters I want my girls to be exceptional, but I know that will further limit the men who they are willing to follow. Does that mean they should play dumb or not excel? Of course not, but also recognize that from the start the odds are not in the girls favor – so what to do?
    2. Men are visual. Complaining about this doesn’t change it. It is God’s “good” design afterall. Don’t spend time worrying about the things you can’t change, but if you never exercise and only eat fast food then now might be a good time to start making healthier decisions? Your attitude matters. Men love women who are confident and comfortable in their own skin.
    3. You won’t get hit by a car if you aren’t playing in traffic. Or the likely better known – you won’t catch any fish if you don’t put your line in the pond. In order to be asked out by a guy you have to be in a place where men will meet you and notice you. If you don’t want them to only be attracted to your looks then you have to be in a place where you can demonstrate those other qualities and give them a chance to see them. I fully agree that men need to initiate, but this doesn’t need to be all one sided. My all-time favorite thing to do as a single person was to go out as a group. As a guy it was a great way to be able to have a great time, took the pressure off, and still allowed you to observe people. One strategy that I think is completely in line with a Godly woman is to set up an event with several friends and invite some guys to it. Something like… “Hey, I don’t know if you have any plans for Sat, but a few of my friends and I are going to go bowling at 8pm if you are interested in joining us.” The commenter on the other blog seemed to recognize that this was an area where she was lacking – “working in a female-dominated profession, attending a church with few or no other single people” It’s not likely that she’s going to run into many people that way. So it’s a choice – if you want to meet more single guys you might have to move out of your comfort zone. I guarantee the guys are looking for large groups of single women.
    -Rob

    • Here is what I see that some of you may not, and yes I know I lose credibility as a chick. I am a church planter, a former women’s pastor, and someone who has cried and prayed with many many broken people. Porn isn’t just a male thing anymore either. It’s taking out the ladies too. Yes, men are visual. No doubt! But by the very way many men discuss women and dating, you can tell their baseline paradigm regarding women has already been affected by our culture. They act like they are entitled to a babe no matter how they measure up. Yes, women should try and be attractive but it seems like men all want the hot chick and if she doesnt fit the “image” then it’s their fault.
      Is it possible both women and men buy into the lies of porn and a hyper-sexed culture? I know I did. I put myself through college modeling. I used my appearance to make the most money to get a good degree. I was both exploited by men and exploiting men if I am honest. But the lingering effects of treating myself like an object remain at age forty. Women hurt themselves as much as men do believing their only worth is beauty.
      I see a lot of passive guys in the church these days who are surrounded by lovely women but whose expectations are so high few ladies measure up. I see more porn addictions in guys (and now women too) than just about any other addiction. It’s crazy!
      Look at 50 Shades of Gray and it’s popularity. Porn is changing our culture. I had a trick of treater come to my door dressed as Christian Gray. Apparently young teens feel free to dress as sadomasichists.
      I absolutely agree that some women don’t get asked out for other reasons. But I know so many beautiful, intelligent, successful women that are not getting dates and there are plenty of men in singles group that sit their week after week and don’t ask them out.

  6. Great post, Sam. (And thanks for the shout out!)

    I agree that our culture is completely over-sexualized. The sad part is, it’s not only men that are falling for the lies found in porn and through the media. Women are trying to fit this role, too, whether on purpose or not. We change ourselves, our looks, our demeanor to “be more attractive” to men… not realizing we are only hurting ourselves. We attract the wrong types of men and end up more lonely than when we started.

    That’s why I felt compelled to write back to Jennifer… and why I’m sure you felt compelled to write this post. We’re worth more. We deserve better. We are beautiful, no matter what we hear in the world around us. We have to start listening to the one voice that matters – God’s. And he not only loves us, but thinks we’re absolutely gorgeous.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I think it may be a little difficult to make a general statement that would encompass all reasons why all women don’t get asked out but I’ll throw in my two cents worth. If a guy is going to ask a girl out on a date he has to have a reason right? I think in most cases it’s going to be because he’s physically attracted to her; if he isn’t he probably won’t ask. Ok that may not be a popular answer but I think it’s the honest truth. If the woman isn’t physically attractive to the guy he won’t ask her out.

  8. I am an attractive single woman. My body is proportionate and I am confident in who God made me to be. Going to the gym doesn’t make me feel better about myself. Serving God does. I love Jesus. I have great friendships. All of this advice about bring flirty, taking the initiative, looking the best you can “to feel good about yourself”, change, change, change to get a date makes me sad that this is what dating has come to for women. Most of the men I have dated have been more attractive because of their character, not their looks. I feel like a lot of young men use the fact that they were made visual as a free pass. Not all…as was said, some men are open to who God has for them and not their own ideas and those are mature, Christ-like men. Please show me where God says to date/marry someone who is flirty, goes to the gym, looks hot in a dress, etc. Not all women are looking for net-worth. Some are actually looking for men who want to be different to the world and serve God together. Sam, I think you’re right on. It sounds like porn/sex-obsessed worldly culture issues to me too.

  9. Sam, I think unfortunately for a lot of the young ladies out there, society has castrated today’s young male at a time when they should be searching for and discovering their own masculinity. Also, I think that social skill development in young people in general has been stunted with the “digital age”. All one has to do is look are around in the lobby after church or in any crowded place to see young men and women leaning on their iPhone as a crutch. All this is to say, that with gender roles being redefined and men not becoming men + lack of social skills + your point about pornography = a perfect recipe for women not being asked out. In addition, I agree with much of what Henry offered as advice for women who want to be asked out more.

    Also, that it goes both ways- consistent with what the first commenter said above, I have asked out multiple girls who have said “yes”, only to play dozens of tricks with setting the date, rescheduling, cancelling, going silent, saying yes when they mean no, going unresponsive on the day, and overall flakiness. While it’s not going to stop me from asking women out in the future, it is a real frustration that we have to deal with and I can see how it would cause many young men to be discouraged and stop asking women out.

    I’d love to hear a woman’s point of view on this, but I think that a strong culture of over flakiness (probably on both sides?) has developed. I think in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s, when all one had was a phone number and a landline, things were a lot simpler.

  10. Great post. I think you raise some different questions not just one. Why don’t guys ask out women is different than why don’t guys ask out certain women. I’m not making any judgements here but just saying there is a lot going on.

    First off, guys in our culture are often immature, wusses, etc. Especially in the Christian culture where often accidentally tell guys to be “nice”. Problem is nice is not often good when pursuing girls. (By nice I mean soft, passive, doing whatever the girl wants, trying to be friends first etc). I do think porn plays huge into all of this in two big ways. One is it changes the view of women as many have rightly mentioned above. Second is the shame that goes with it and the lack of engagement with real live women. It’s a horrible cycle. There are many reasons for this cycle and not space here.

    Guys also often don’t have any help with learning how to approach women and or what is attractive to women. And if you live there long enough all of this just compounds. Finally there is just mass confusion about “christian” dating.

    But also, if a girl never gets asked out there is often something else to that, as hard as it is for me to even type that. I don’t want to type it. I just feel like it’s true.

    I guess all that to say that our porn/sex obsessed culture is indeed a huge part of the problem. But it’s certainly not all of it.

  11. Brandon, I’m not sure what you were reading but it must not have been what I wrote. Where did I say porn wasn’t a problem? I didn’t. I said porn is not the reason why women aren’t getting dates. Men and women who are into porn have dates all the time. Porn is bad, toxic, and corrosive to both men and women and damages our ability to think clearly, and have a good future marriage. That case is closed. Men (and women) have to overcome their battle with this. Every man battles it. No one’s arguing that.

    As for my list which you call “drivel” – what are you thinking? Every thing in that list is outstanding and needs no defense because it’s truth. I know several people, men and women, all godly people, who embody those principles in their lives who are respectable, successful, and in many cases happily married – including several people in ministry! They are incredibly fun, happy, godly (and imperfect) people to be around.

    I understand I touched on a sensitive topic. Some of my comments about living “a healthy lifestyle” somehow have been totally misinterpreted by some to mean you must be hot – I never said that. A great body isn’t required to be happy and find love. If that were the case then Hollywood would replace Disneyland as the happiest place on earth.

  12. Fellow Traveler says:

    Hard truths…

    — For men, it can be extremely difficult and terrifying to approach women. For men who are willing to do this (and it takes a certain personality type), it is not unusual to be rejected literally dozens of times in a row, or more. Often these women are also rude or disrespectful. For men of certain personality types, a single rejection of this type can be enough for them not to approach another woman for weeks or even months. These men will nurse feelings of “fairness” that women should make the effort half of the time. The reality ends up being that women make zero effort and literally never approach.

    — Just approaching a woman is not good enough to get results. She will refuse to give her number, or flake when you call, unless you are able to attract her and build a great deal of comfort and compliance during that first approach. This is not easy to do and requires a fair amount of practice.

    — For a man to have success with women, he has to approach hundreds (just for the practice), and he has to be emotionally unaffected by how he is treated by those women. For some men this is simply a certain personality type… very outgoing or sociopathic men are most likely to pass this screen. Introverted, sensitive, or deep-thinking men are more likely to be screened out at this point.

    — You really can’t take any one woman seriously because then she will find you unattractive. It’s more effective to play a “numbers game” and make sure none of them are “too important” to you, first because sheer numbers are necessary in order to have any success at all, and second because it’s the only way to maintain attractiveness. Women will otherwise often treat you with disrespect, flake on you, treat you like the “nice guy” etc etc.

    — A small number of men are sleeping with most of the women. Many men resent this dynamic. (e.g. the sexual losers.) These sexual losers also resent all the game-playing that women tend to subject them to.

    — Due to the proliferation of no-fault divorce laws, marriage is often a “bad investment” for a man. The legal system is stacked against marriage in the same way that the tax system is stacked against investment and entrepreneurship. Furthermore, the men who are already sleeping with all the women have no incentive to settle down, and these are usually the men that women find attractive. Women might complain that they can’t find a men who is willing to commit to them, but then again men can’t find a virgin these days, either. Put another way: women can’t find a man willing to commit his financial resources to them, in the same way that men can’t find women willing to commit their sexual resources to them. Are there any virgins anymore? If not, then why should there be any marriage, either? It sounds equally unreasonable from both directions. A woman might think, “Only marry a virgin? That’s unreasonable!” But an attractive man will equally think, “Get tied down? That’s unreasonable!” Neither has any room to complain since both are simply carrying out their own evolutionary strategy.

    — I bet porn really pisses off a lot of women. (I can’t blame them.) It’s a powerful impact on society that didn’t even exist before a few decades ago. However, I can’t help but tie the advent of porn to the advent of the birth control pill. Given the thousands of years of recorded history, and given that porn and the pill both appeared within the same decade or so, in terms of mainstream culture, I’m willing to bet the two are connected. Before the pill, sex basically was synonymous with marriage. Prostitutes were the only other option. (Notice no one on this thread is complaining about prostitutes…) A woman couldn’t just “play the field” — most had to get married in order to become sexual. Most men therefore had to commit in order to gain access to sex — and access to sex is the #1 reason why men marry (look it up.)

    ===> Therefore it seems reasonable to conclude that the “liberation” of women was actually the liberation of men from marriage. Many women in the workforce today are not working because they want to, but because they have to.

    ===> The involvement of women in politics — women often bereft of the security of marriage — has resulted in a lot more social spending which required increased taxes which again, created pressures for women to work, who normally might not have chosen to work except for the fact that it was no longer feasible to pay the bills on a single income.

    ===> The effect of porn on society is certainly negative for women. But porn doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Arguably it is the product of vast social changes, many of which were driven by women in the first place. And often it is filling a niche left empty by women who abandoned their first estate.

    MAKE NO MISTAKE, GOD IS NOT MOCKED: WHAT YOU SOW, YOU SHALL REAP.

  13. Fellow Traveler says:

    One more thing I forgot to add: If you are hungry, and you cry out to God saying, “Why am I so hungry? Why haven’t you brought food for me to eat?” God might reply, “I gave you two legs, and two arms, and a brain, and a world filled with food. It is YOUR responsibility to go and pick up the food and eat it.”

    For whatever reason, people fail to see this same responsibility with regard to their sexuality. It is YOUR responsibility to try, and adjust, and learn how to better please the opposite sex, and improve yourself as a person, and approach more, and touch more, and smile more, etc. Just like a salmon struggling to get upstream. You have to fight — that is life! There are millions of people around you. Just because you are Christian doesn’t mean you can sit around with your cats complaining to God about why he hasn’t “provided” the ideal mate of your fantasies. If you aren’t satisfied with your love life, do NOT expect that it will “just happen.” You have to MAKE it happen. This is the same as the struggle to eat, and the same as the struggle to defend yourself from criminals. It is life or death and the responsibility is all your own. Not everyone will succeed but usually those who fail, are those who did not put in the effort. You don’t have to be the top competitor, but you at least have to compete. Perhaps that truth is unpleasant to some, but God must have some purpose or lesson to teach by confronting us with this reality.

  14. “For a man to have success with women, he has to approach hundreds (just for the practice), and he has to be emotionally unaffected by how he is treated by those women. For some men this is simply a certain personality type… very outgoing or sociopathic men are most likely to pass this screen. Introverted, sensitive, or deep-thinking men are more likely to be screened out at this point.”
    Laughing out loud, that’s what I figured out about job searching. In order to find a job, you have to be both confident and willing to drop it and move to the next.

    On a scale of 1 to 10, job searching is indisputably harder than finding women. I don’t see how anyone could even question this.

    “A small number of men are sleeping with most of the women. Many men resent this dynamic. (e.g. the sexual losers.) These sexual losers also resent all the game-playing that women tend to subject them to.”
    No. Even though marriage and monogamy are weaker, they are still the norm.

    A small number of men THINK they are special because they hang out at bars all days and attract as many women as they can. ANYONE COULD DO THIS! These people THINK they have talent, but they are simply people who cast their nets very wide and throw the net often.

    Of course if your whole life revolves around sex, eventually the persistence will pay off. Some of us have better things to do.

  15. Anonymous says:

    So the real question is why doesn’t the girl put herself out there rather than praying for prince charming to make the first move?

    • My husband is helping me raise my two oldest kids and it’s working out pretty well. Love is sacrificial. The more you give the more you get. He is our hero!
      Blessings,
      Sam

  16. Ex Veritas, Fidelis says:

    I have been rejected over 700 times (counted), you’ve got it backwards, AFTER having been rejected sooo many times is when porn seemed like the only way to go. I hear that some girls are now interested in me but I don’t want to raise someone else’s kid. Sooo there ya go

  17. It’s women’s attitudes & their desire to live a fairy tale that drives men away. There is a cultural anger & emotional immaturity that just turn us off. Not to mention general divorce statistics of court rulings. Simultaneously while they are driving us away women execute harsh sudden judgments of value on men in the singles scene revealing their shallow nature as if they are god gift to us.

  18. Maybe guys have found some way to be more valuable? Ms. Melissa Kirk (Psychology Today)
    tells us that women are missing out on really good men who would NEVER approach a woman or ask a woman out on a date, waiting to be asked out themselves.
    She says that tis has NOTHING to do with fear of rejection or about being whiny or inferior in some way, just the reluctance to invade the personal space of another human being. actually showing respect.

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