Talk About Sex

Yesterday, someone in my writing group suggested I write a lot about sex. 
Ummmmm guilty.  I actually mention sex in my blog posts six percent of the time.  I calculated this number for personal clarification or possibly because I was a tad bit defensive.
So, I think this “sex talk allegation” deserves a proper response.
I don’t talk about sex simply for shock value, because I want you to think my husband is a voracious horn-dog, or because I am a secret sex addict -as a woman in my group suggested.

I talk about sex because I believe the church has done a really bad job in not talking about it. 


There.  I said it.  I think the church has screwed this one up (no pun intended).
We (the church) have let the world define sexuality and allowed it to be removed from its very creator.
We have let the world define sex in marriage as a chore and adultery as an epic romance.
We have let the world  polarize “sexy” into something perverted, unchristian and sinful. 
We have allowed marriage to become a business deal and sex to become a hobby.
There is a an epidemic of married women who are so exhausted from working full-time, raising kids and trying to be superwoman they are neglecting their husband’s sexual needs and justifying it all in the name of feminism. 
There is an alarming trend of married men who are so resentful of women emasculating them, they have turned to porn, football and work addictions to cope (only further isolating their wives by disengaging their hearts even more).
And the mere fact that a pastor’s wife openly discusses sex and (gasp) encourages it in marriage makes some people uncomfortable.
Just to be clear, my husband has a perfectly normal desire for intimacy.  He is a healthy male who loves and desires his wife.  And I am not always frisky.  In fact, I am usually exhausted, overwhelmed and sometimes play dead to get some sleep.
But when I let God whisper into my marriage…I am reminded that I chose this man and made a committment to care for his needs, not justify my own.  And I try to find, deep within me -in the dregs of my crusty heart, the extra effort to love my husband in a way he feels loved. 
I talk about sex because someone in the church needs to. 
So when a fellow writer insinuated I might be a sex addict yesterday because  I blogged about how my husband and I take vacations or “sexcations” without our children I just about fell over. 
Not everyone get’s my humor.  And not everyone has the luxury (or the misery) of knowing my heart behind the words I pen.  I write satire.  It’s supposed to make you laugh not analyze my neurosis.  And for the record, I’m pretty open about those too.
In all honesty, my husband and I didn’t have sex before we were married.  Maybe that’s why we like it now.  We have the security of knowing, without a doubt, we love each other for more than how we make each other feel.  I practically skipped down the aisle when I married this man because I knew he loved me for me and not for sex. 
I actually went to an SA (Sex and Love Addicts) meeting once.  My friend dragged me there because I was struggling to end a bad relationship.  After one very poignant and humiliating meeting, where I thought I was going to die, I drove home and broke up with the jack waggon.  Thank you SA for empowering me!
I make jokes about sex.  This is true.  And it’s possible it might be on my mind more than usual right now because I’m trying to get knocked up.  But the deeper message I want to communicate is we as the church need to reclaim sexuality as a good thing within the relationship of a committed marriage. 
And that’s why I talk about sex. 


  1. I almost fell off my chair when and laughed out loud when this post come up on Facebook. A thoughtful response!

    • I tried to hear the truth in what you were saying, while still addressing the angry elf inside me that was pissed off for being misunderstood. I hope my heart came through loud and clear. And I’m excited about writing with you gals by my side. I really treasure your insight.

  2. You go girl! It’s interesting how those in the church make sex so taboo. God made if for us married folks to enjoy. He didn’t have to make procreating such an enjoyable process (how many other animals procreate without having sex? lots.) but he did so let’s talk about it. I’m not quite as bold as you. I don’t blog about it but we certainly talk about it alot in my circle of married girlfriends :). And we all agree that the church does a poor job in this area. So continue on, Sam, continue on :).

    • Hi Fawn,
      So I went on your site. Youza! You have a movement going on. I love it! I too, am one of the proud and the boastful of the HWC. I am an admitted HAPPY WIFE! Whoo Hoo!
      On another level, I saw your press release and the women all over the world who have said yes to supporting their men. It’s beautiful and so honoring. Keep it up!

  3. "Bookish B" says:

    Hey, Sam!

    Another breakthrough article! I hope you will continue to blog about this. I hope you will blog about this until you have enough material for a book and then publish. In this area the Church (Big “C”) is not only playing defense but quite defensive. Have we yet heard a rousing vision of the profound satisfaction of waiting for the right one and then fully enjoying one of God’s best gifts to humankind? Really, no.

    However, I’ll bet Scrappy Sam is the right woman for the job!


    • I’ll work on the book idea 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement. Having friends like you and Kim and Robyn praying for me and my writing means the world to me. You guys motivate me to dig deeper, search for truth and not be afraid to share what God id revealing to me. Love you!

  4. Yvonne Brazil says:

    Amen !!! I LOVE your humor – it gets me through some rough days, and reminds me it’s okay and even great to be human.

    • Yvonne,
      I ‘m delighted to make you chuckle. Sometimes, I laugh at myself for a few hours and sometimes I internally cry because I’ve been so honest. Thanks for the affirmation. It’s soooooo appreciated 🙂

  5. Good job, Sam, talking about a topic that YOU ARE RIGHT – the church avoids. I get embarrassed about the topic, but I’m better than I used to be. It’s something my parents NEVER spoke about – my mother’s sole advice when I got married was, “A little lubrication might help” – and she said it in a whisper as she walked passed me the morning of my wedding. Good grief, Mom!

    Anyway, I wish you luck – and joy – in pursuing your future child! thanks for this good post…

    • Yep, I got in trouble for it but I don’t actually remember talking about it much other than when I asked how my brother got in my step-moms tummy. Love your mom’s comment! Classic!

  6. Julia Helgeson says:

    nice work, Sam – you go girl! 😉

  7. Sam, thanks for blogging on this topic. Keep it up! Sorry for the “novel” but a few thoughts – a guy’s perspective…

    1. I’m single, dating, and I grew up attending various churches. My experience has been that churches generally SUCK at addressing this topic – totally agree with you. Apparently it’s important to God, just not senior pastors.

    2. Churches seem to talk about sex about once a year while it’s talked about *every day* non-stop on radio, TV, movies, the internet, magazines, and among co-workers. Yeah, that’s a great ratio.

    3. I heard almost half of people in mega-churches are *single*. Then why are 99% of messages on sex in church directed at married people? Got it: singles are irrelevant in church.

    4. The church usually says “just wait” but rarely explains why – which is like saying “don’t drive over the speed limit” while watching everyone else blow by at 90MPH, and no one gets a ticket. Sure.

    5. It’s easy to say “I’m waiting”. Really hard to do.

    6. I just have throw in one more…. most non-Christian women are waaaaay easier to date than the girls I meet in church – many of whom super uptight and some are just plain weird – no wonder they’re single. Maybe one Sunday after church can all the *normal* single women could have a meeting and then all the *normal* single men could meet them – ?? Sounds good to me!

    • So… I’m writing a series for you. For all the people out there who have the same frustrations you do as a Christian single. The same ones I did too. Thanks for the novel. I love your points. And I will address them all in an even longer novel.

  8. stacey espinosa says:

    My friend reposted this refreshing blog! Thank you for your fresh approach to a subject that everyone at church tries to avoid!

    • Hi Stacey,
      Thanks for dropping by. I hope we can get this topic out of the church closet and really encourage marriage. Because it can be amazing with some hard work.

  9. Hilarious! I loved the post. And now I need a vacation with my husband sans the kids. 😉

    • Hi Bianca,
      Thanks! It’s crazy I know. And tough for a step-parent. I feeeeeeel for my husband and you. You guys are rock stars to take on this job and love our kids.
      BTW, I love your blog by the way and read it all time. You have a great voice and I resonate with your passion.
      Blessings, Keep it up!

  10. Best article ever on here. Write a book!

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