One Click at a Time

My post Why Guys aren’t Asking Women Out has created a big buzz.  The comments are pouring in and Ruth Rutherford even blogged about her struggle with some of the male comments in “Oh Henry! There’s Gotta be More.”  In this controversial post I suggested the over-sexualization of our culture (and porn specifically) is one of the biggest contributors to the problem of women not getting asked out.

Some agreed, while others clearly did not.  I was dismissed by a few guys who by their very own comments proved my point that many men in our culture are driven by the sexual images they see.  I was also affirmed for identifying this as a cultural crisis, but my FAVORITE response came in this morning from Brandon. 

I wanted to share this because as a woman I lose credibility by the sheer fact that I don’t have a penis, AND maybe some of you can hear this message better from a man. 

(Although this whole post was done in collaboration with my husband –a male pastor and we deal with this issue on a daily basis in our church, ministry, through counseling and in the relationship seminars we speak at.)

Here is Henry’s comment, which I confess I struggle with a bit.

As a guy I have a very different perspective. I’ve dated a ton of women – more than I care to admit. I don’t think porn is the real problem as to why these girls aren’t getting dates. Any honest Christian single guy will admit he’d much rather marry and sleep with his wife/best friend than settle for porn.  Read more…

Brandon replies…

“Henry is right…men DO want somebody to cuddle up with in front of a Cowboys game, enjoy bedroom life with, and read the Bible with…but that’s about it. The long drivel that makes up the rest of his comment is incredibly shallow, ignorant, and short-sighted.

When I first saw the title, “Why Men Aren’t Asking Women Out”, a little thought popped into my head… “Why men aren’t asking women out? That’s simple. Porn.”

For Henry to dismiss pornography and the general sexualization of our society as one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, contributors to this problem means he has his head in the sand. Recently, I have discovered that multiple men very close to me…older men that I have looked up to, some of which that are in ministry or deacons of churches who have by all accounts healthy, close relationships with the Lord have struggled with pornography recently or in the not so distant past. These are men who have served as my personal heroes and confidants, all of which are in their 40s and 50s, all of which have daughters… And they have all come to me separately in the past year to confess that while they were giving me advice in my struggles…they were struggling with lust and secret sins of their own in a way that boys do now starting as early as elementary or middle school.

If these types of men are struggling with this, it’s undoubtedly even bigger than any of us probably even realize.

Pornography and constant easy access to sexual imagery is re-programming our brains one click at a time and the result will be many men and many women that are single much later into their lives, if not for the rest of their lives as well as many ruined marriages that are entered into without full disclosure of the digital women that the groom brings into the equation from Day 1.

In the spirit of transparency, I have met girls before and thought to myself, “She seems awesome. I would ask her out but [insert physical feature] doesn’t really match up with what I’m into.”

I’ve tried to capture those thoughts and re-train my thinking in these areas but with a world full of men that are more likely driven by lust and fulfilling physical desires with such quick and simple ease rather than being driven by Christ-like motivations, there will undoubtedly be millions of women who will continue to pay the price.

The only thing women can really do is pray and ask the Lord to show them areas that they’re falling short in their relationship with him, which will undoubtedly make them more attractive to the right type of man. Also, continue to pray for your future husband. It’s very likely that he is in a spiritual battle with sin and the enemy that needs your interceding. As for men…there are a lot of difficult choices to be made, but the first of which is to step up, take responsibility, get our heads out of the sand, and start fighting for the wives and the children that God has yet to entrust us with because we’ve been warped by a computer screen.”

Brandon, THANK YOU!  You articulated this beautifully. 

What do you think about Brandon and Henry’s different perspectives?


Photo credit: Via pinmarklet


  1. Sam, come on! Ripping on me like this is crazy and so is Brandon bashing my comments as “drivel”. He didn’t even read what I wrote. I mentioned things like it’s good to “grow in your relationship with God.” That’s drivel? I also said it’s good to be involved in one’s local church – tell me what’s wrong with that. Attacking what I’ve said – which is basically to live a healthy, godly life – is one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard on a Christian blog. My profuse apologies for suggesting anything. Won’t happen again.

    Let me set the record straight, because Brandon did such a phenomenal job of totally missing my point: I *never* said porn was not a problem! I said porn is a problem. A big, ugly, grotesque one. But I don’t see it as the #1 reason why some women aren’t getting asked out. If you do, fine. Then we can agree to disagree. If you have research data to back up your point that this is why women aren’t getting dates, then great, I’ll listen. If not, then we have two different theories. But I have a penis and I think my opinion carries more weight. Brandon has his head in the sand for firing off clueless insults.

    There are plenty of very visual women who want a good looking guy. Are they in sin for that? It’s hypocritical of women to say they want a hot guy and then to call us guys “porn-addicts” or “shallow” for wanting a physically attractive woman or not asking out someone who some women think is “hot” just because they’re nice and dateless. Come on, Sam, be honest – that has *zip* to do with porn! That’s simply people being human beings wanting someone who they are personally attracted to.

    Personally, I’ve come a long way myself in this area and my thinking has radically changed in a good way through my faith. It is every man’s battle. Has it influenced my thinking? Yes in the past. Now not so much. There’s fine line between thinking of attraction purely in physical terms (one night stand or hook up) vs. being attracted to someone because they have a ton of great inner qualities and are also outwardly attractive (looking for “the one”). I’ve gone out with plenty of women who weren’t the “ideal” – whatever that is.

    This feels like a no win situation for any guy and so maybe it’s better to just say “yes, you’re right Sam” and walk away to make you and all the ladies feel good. But I guarantee you most guys – single Christian guys – are sincere and in pure conscience thinking “there’s nothing wrong with dating an attractive woman and porn is not the reason why I’m dating her.”

    I’m in a small group of five single Christian guys. These guys are solid in their faith and we’re all dating someone. Has or does every single guy in my group struggled with porn at some point in their life? I haven’t asked them but I’d bet the answer is yes. It just is. Maybe I’ll talk with them about this and see if any of them admits their recent dating decisions have been influenced by porn and let you know – if you’re interested.

    And, maybe you can interview single Christian women and tell us guys what’s distorting their thinking about choosing and dating good guys. Here’s a quote from a recent conversation with a friend: “The women around here want to see your W-2 before they even consider going on a date with you.” The reputation of women in Orange County isn’t exactly impressive. I’ve been told so many times I live in the wrong area to find a good women that I’ve lost count.

    Sam – thought you might like this video pushing guys to get off the side lines.

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