Punching Puppies

I normally write about churchy stuff, funny things, or sex (which I take a lot of heat for) but today I can’t get past what God is laying on my heart.  And I’m sorry to say it’s not the usual satire that makes you fall off your chair in convulsions at the office.  This might make you cry and maybe that’s funny, or maybe it’s not –so here is my apology up front.

I had a tough day yesterday –an out of the ordinary overwhelming day.  Usually, I’m a pretty chipper bird but this weekend was a doozy emotionally.  We have been trying to get pregnant.  And it looked like this month was a go, until it wasn’t.  Not to go into details, but it didn’t work out –an early miscarriage, a few days of whacked out hormones that took me to the edge, and then the disappointment set in like a dense fog. 

I wanted to punch puppies.  Curl up in a ball and hide under the covers until the pain subsided.  I couldn’t look at my husband without crying.  He was baffled and we battled all morning until I could find the words to communicate that I just needed him to be with me, to be my friend and listen. And even though he’s a man and I’m a woman, he figured out how to love me in the moment and to simply be present. 

We took a walk.  We got a cup of coffee.  We watched our toddler chase birds.  And at some point we prayed. 

And it was a prayer of surrender.  I needed help to believe.  I needed strength in my faith and the ability to trust when I can’t understand. 

I am fortunate.  I have three beautiful children.  But I’ve also had numerous miscarriages –one painfully far into my second trimester.  I wish I could say it gets easier to deal with disappointment but it doesn’t.  They all suck. 

If you are pregnant for a day or pregnant for six months –something happens to your spirit and bonds you with life.  It’s what women are uniquely designed for.  We have a gift to connect with the unseen –with the very breath of creation.

But life isn’t easy.  God’s Kingdom is here and still yet to come and we live in this awkward middle ground of beauty juxtaposed with sin, of pain and heartbreak and love and laughter. 

I’m better today.  By the end of the day I pulled out of my funk.  I took Faith on a special Taco Bell run.  I played Just Dance with my son.  I relished in a frothy lavender bubble bath with Kolby.  And I snuggled deep into my husband’s arms, burrowing in like a scared bunny rabbit. 

And eventually hope floated to the surface.

I don’t understand God.  But I surrender.  I trust his plan is better than mine even though the cup might be bitter to swallow.  And ultimately I believe one day he will lift me up in His time.

And I wait for that day with anticipation.

Comments

  1. “I don’t understand God.” Man, that hit me in the gut…I’ve been thinking that for years, too. When people give the platitudes of “He’ll reveal all in His perfect time” or “God has a plan” it often frustrates me. I just want to yell, it’s okay to be confused by His will or His timing!

    Glad your day ended on a more positive note!

    • How about “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” That’s my favorite. My life is all more than I can handle. That’s why I need God.
      And yes, my day ended better after the hormonal hijaking waned and I leaned in to my family. But I’m truly glad I’m on the other side and it’s today instead of yesterday. Perspective helps 🙂
      Thank you…

      • Actually, I’ve challenged my wife to find the verse that says “God won’t give us more than we can handle.”

        The only thing I’ve found is that God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but provide a means of escape.

        Big difference.

        There’s one article I read somewhere that says that God can, and does, provide more than we can handle … but not more than He can handle.

  2. Oh Samantha, I’m so sorry to hear you had another miscarriage. And your totally right that it never goes away. I think of our baby we lost too and every time I tear up. It is so hard to understand, but like you said God’s grace and strength is always there. Sounds like you had all your loved ones surrounding you and I truly believe that helps to get through it. If I hadn’t had Mason, it would have been so much worse for me to handle.

    Hugs to you my dear!! I always love your posts and I think your honesty and vulnerability is beautiful. Hang in there!

  3. Oh, Sam, I’m so get your hurt. I did not have any miscarriages, so I can’t relate to that extent, but I did believe that I was pregnant more than once when we really wanted that, and then when I realized I wasn’t, I felt betrayed. You have gone far beyond that with actual miscarriages, and I can only imagine how that must feel. I hope that today is a good day – that you’re able to relax into God’s will.

    • Thanks Gretchen,
      Thanks 🙂 Things always look better a few days later with a little perspective and a lot of hugs. I think I like puppies again.
      God Bless,
      Sam

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