“My business is not to remake myself, but to make the absolute best of what God made.” –Robert Browning
Self reflection is a tough critic. It points out all the areas that need work. Hopefully it finds some good. Never has it walked away from me without a list of improvements.
In February, I take 28 days to listen to my Spirit led self. It’s not pretty.
In February, I take a step back, remove unnecessary items from my life and reevaluate.
Why? Because sometimes the wants in my life masquerade as needs and it takes time and distance for me to recognize the imposters.
In February there is no extra spending and I get serious about my budget. We embark on a strict eating plan to shed those Christmas pounds( Keto this year) and it’s back to the gym for tough and regular HIIT workouts. There are no no glasses of wine on a Friday with friends (or, let’s be honest, no glass of wine on a Tuesday night when I’m exhausted and just want to relax). In February we, my husband and I, sacrifice the good for the best.
February is freaking hard.
On Sunday, I walk through the wine aisle of Trader Joe’s, as busy people bang into my cart, and I want to scream. Tears well up in my eyes. I feel cranky…my body hurts from the grueling workouts, my shoulder injury throbs and I just want to FEEL better.
I text my husband, “People are stupid and I want a glass of wine.”
He emojis me back a kiss and some encouragement to hang on.
Really? All I want is the wine glass emoji and the girl dancing emoji and permission to blow it. My flesh is screaming for a sugar hit. But I pray for sustenance and steer my cart onward.
Two minutes later, after my internal mini fit, the floodgates of mercy arrive. I have an amazing chat with the checker. We talk for ten minutes about parenting as she ever so slowly bags my goods. I encourage and pour into her heart. Now her eyes fill with tears.
What? I get to my car and weep. Only God could orchestrate that moment. Only in His strength can I get beyond myself and MY neediness for the true things in life that satisfy.
In February I ask myself the hard questions. Is this a real want or a need? Do we really need new floors or a bigger emergency fund? My heart knows the answer. Maybe drooling over HGTV, daydreaming about home remodels and wandering the halls of Home Depot checking out porcelain wood tiles isn’t what satisfies.
In February I connect with my authentic self. But on the path to find her again, after the craziness of the holiday season, I need to put blinders on to the noise around me. It’s Starbucks and the pretty shiny things on social media that lure me and dull my senses.
February revives my heart.
When I learn to live without, I can recognize my real needs. I remember what makes me truly content. I am not a complicated creature. I crave intimacy with God, a close connection to my family and friends, and fun with my “bestest” best friend-my husband. I yearn for purpose at work and ministry, and freedom in my finances and health (both physically and emotionally).
It’s pretty simple really…but so easy to forget.
When I seek God’s face and not his hand, contentment floods my soul. As Tim and practice intermittent fasting, my senses are sharpened and the gift of discernment comes back into focus. I need less sleep and creativity soars. In this space, I develop patience that enables me to wait gracefully and thankfully until God determines the “when” because I trust that in his timing, the things I truly need will come.
When my sugar and carbs and Starbucks addiction pass, I remember I have the ability to choose “real life,” not simply “living” or getting by.
“The World is too much with us,” chimes the poet William Wordsworth, “Getting and Spending, we lay waste our powers.”
February quiets the clamor of the world so I can hear the deeper vibrations of the spirit playing my song.
Oh February, it’s God’s Valentine to my soul.
Maybe you need to get quiet too, still the noise and ask the questions. Listen…what do you hear?
All week long, in the early hours before the bustle begins, our home transforms, one ornament, one decoration, one memory at a time into a Christmas wonderland. I deliberately choose not to hurry and check this task off my to-do list. The dawdling and the stretching out of every precious moment are as delightful as the big day.
My youngest daughter is as enamored by the magic as I. Kolby tears out of bed and runs downstairs to the tree simply to turn on the lights and bask in the glow against the darkness of the morn. She has left a small pile of her favorite ornaments out on the buffet, un-hung, waiting in limbo. I think it’s a stall tactic. I don’t think she wants to be done either. Her joy is palpable.
Even my husband chimes in, “Sam, there is something so fulfilling about setting up the tree.” It’s the hunt at Home Depot with Kolby by his side in a Santa hat, then dragging the tree home atop the car, perilously secured by fraying ropes, to placing it in the stand and covering it with sparkling lights. These tender moments strike a chord in our hearts.
The Hallmark movies would like to tell us the “Christmas Spirit” has arrived, and I couldn’t agree more, but I believe it’s far beyond the cookie baking, the White Elephant gifts, and the house with the most elaborate light and sound show.
This communal magic, the nostalgia so thick you can smell, this sense of forgiveness and grace offered magnanimously by all is not found by believing in Santa or buying more stuff as the world would have us believe.
Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus, but the Christmas spirit is so much more than that.Y
It’s more than the elusive “Fa la la la” feeling, more than the decorations and more than eight tiny reindeer.
I’ve had to be intentional this year to treasure the spirit. I catch it slipping away so quickly and have to deliberately reel it back in. My son will miss his first Christmas at home, ever, thanks to Nevada playing in a Bowl Game in Arizona on the 29th. Football practice does not cease even for Christmas day and a mama who just wants to see her behemoth boy open his stocking with a cinnamon roll in hand. Soon Faith will leave for college too and my nest will be down by two. If I focus too much on my aching heart my jolly turns into jaded.
I also battle my internal financial scrooge. She is a miserly piece of work-motivated by fear and never having enough, despite God’s provision. And Christmas brings out the worst in her. All the spending at Christmas makes my heart thump with nervousness and anxiety. I remember those days as a single mom when my funds were precariously low and I was just trying to give my kids a few presents, dreading the terror of the great reckoning day in January when the bill came due. Even though we have enough, the fear still chases me at times.
But every morning as I sit alone in the quiet, I am reminded that my longings lead me back to the true reason for Christmas in the first place.
We all want our homes and social lives and even Christmas cards to be unique and beautiful. We dream of a drama free season of kind people, love and ugly Christmas sweaters galore, but when we miss the mark, and life goes askew it’s so easy to lose that special feeling.
What if all this busyness and spending and yearning for the perfect Christmas is simply a metaphor for our deepest desire? –to be known and loved and rescued.
The scene in the Grinch where the Who’s sing in spite of the loss of their decorations and gifts inspires me. Even if nothing gets wrapped, even if I buy all the wrong gifts, Christmas, in all it’s glory will still come. And the Spirit will be there for me if I only cry out for him.
The Christmas story, this tiny baby in a manger, is our symbol of freedom and redemption and the only gift that will give us what our hearts long for, rescuing us from things that can’t satisfy.
Does this mean Target and Hallmark are bad? Heck no! My Red Card with the 5% discount get’s lots of use. But it does mean that Target and my favorite movie, “A Crown at Christmas” won’t heal or fulfill my heart. Shopping till you drop might break your wallet, but it won’t change Christmas one bit.
The Christmas gift that Jesus offers-the freedom to not get caught up in the busyness and glitz and glam is free. This red card was bought with blood.
When I look at Christmas through this lens, it changes the way I celebrate. I slow way down. I want to savor each moment. There’s memories and smiles, tears and heart ache in my blue Christmas bins. No need to rush! Pulling out the ornaments is like examining the pieces of our life and displaying them on a tree for all to see. Decorating becomes an offering of joy, thankfulness and remembrance of those I’ve loved and lost.
Celebrating Christmas with Jesus as the center is a game changer. The lights outside on our home are offered as a gift to the community not as a “check me out, I’m awesome” statement. The cookies I bake are a precious gift of time laughing with my girls. Caroling and parties and time with friends are a treat for my soul, not another “to do”. And paying for it all?–a journey of faith, discernment, and trust. Believing that God knows what we need (and don’t need) and trusting him to provide takes the burden off my weary shoulders.
So this year, I refuse to let Christmas enslave me to the bondage of creation.
We don’t need to be stressed about the finances, the anxiety of image management, the pressure to give the right gift or act in a certain way. We don’t have to dread the family drama and get hives at the thought of weird Uncle Bob.
Christmas is a celebration of the great rescue- not a month-long imprisonment of debt and uncertainty.
To quote the wise old sage Charlie Brown, “It’s not what’s under the Christmas tree that matters; it’s who’s around it.”
Merry Christmas my friends! May the true Spirit of Christmas fill you with Joy!
People always ask me how I handle the stress of game day when I’m not physically there.
Does holding my breath, yelling at the TV, and pacing count as healthy coping mechanisms?
I wish I had a good answer. The truth is I don’t “handle” the anxiety and nervousness well on my own. I pray every morning for my kids and do my best to surrender my fears and give them to God. That being said, I still feel like I’m watching my kid go into battle.
Watching your son play college football on ESPN in another state and dealing with all those protective mama emotions is just plain hard
First, I want my kid to play well (AKA I want #52 to kick some ass!) Second, I want his team to connect, the offense to jive, the defense to get into a nice rhythm with a W at the end of the day. Last, and most importantly, I hope my kid doesn’t get injured (or anyone playing in the game for that matter).
Happy Mom=No Blood, No Breaks, No Muscle’s or Ligaments Jacked Up and No Head Trauma
Is that too much to ask?
My greatest fear in this college football journey has always been that my kid would go down on the field in another state and I would be rendered completely helpless. It’s not like you can just click the TV remote and magically appear at a hospital in let’s say…Tennessee, to oversee an ACL surgery or worse.
Yes, I’ve let go of my kid. I am no longer a semi helicopter mom. I’m not even a drone mom (one of those mom’s who uses technology to stalk their college age kids), but I am still a mom who would jump in front of a truck to save her kid. My heart aches at the thought of him suffering physical pain.
Then last week happened…my worst fear played out.
Kyle’s team played Air Force in Colorado. It was a gorgeous day in Colorado Springs. The mountains sparkled like a copper penny against the cerulean blue sky. The weather cooperated. It was a perfect fall game day.
I was parked in front of the TV watching the game at home with my youngest daughter. My husband was performing a wedding (therefore unavailable), and my older daughter was at work.
The game started and Nevada scored decisively and quick. The defense and my son Kyle were playing well. Nevada was ahead. It wasn’t the easiest game to watch because the ESPN feed went down in the 3rd quarter for about 10 grueling minutes. During the lapse, the TV switched over to the LSU game and I waited on pins and needles for the technical difficulties to get fixed. Finally, the game resumed at the beginning of the 4th quarter.
Then Kyle made a big tackle. He grabbed the quarterback by the ankle and tripped him up. (At least I think it was the quarterback…It could have been the running back but I haven’t gone back and reviewed the film yet). I jumped up off the sofa and clapped, stuffed some more chips in my mouth and headed to grab another bite when I heard the announcer say, “It looks like Kyle Adams, the linebacker from Ladera Ranch is down on the field.”
I spun around and stared at the screen. There was my son on the ground, his leg shaking and trembling and coaches running out.
This was “that moment.” The one I’ve dreaded for 13 years. Yes, he’s gone down before, but he always popped back up pretty quick. Or, if I was on the field I could see what was going on. This time, they cut to commercial.
Wait…What????
I had to just sit there and wait.
I’d like to say I had positive thoughts at first. But I didn’t.
A few weeks ago one of his teammates had a seizure on the field from a bad fall. Don’t think that wasn’t running through my mind.
The commercial break probably lasted two minutes at the most, but it felt like time just slowed waaaaaay down. Tick, tick, tick…every second stretched out. I picked up my phone. I called my husband. No answer. I called my ex-husband. No answer.
Then I just sat. And waited. And prayed.
Because really in those moments that’s all we can do.
A few months ago my darling step-dad had a traumatic incident when the area around his heart filling up with fluid from a rare strain of pneumonia. It was pretty touch and go there for a few hours. When you get the “Code Blue” phone call it’s a long drive to the hospital. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. All I could do was whisper “Jesus” over and over and clutch the wheel.
Once again, all I could do was twitch and choke out, “Jesus help.”
Finally, the TV coverage resumed. The camera panned over to my son. “It looks like Adams might be OK.”
There was Kyle with a coach holding his arm as he tried to stretch and flex his foot. It was the first time it dawned on me that maybe it was a leg cramp?
I grabbed my phone and texted him. “Is it your knee or a cramp?”
A few minutes later he went back in the game. I watched him closely. He still appeared to be limping a little but he was obviously alive and kicking.
Nevada won the game, although it was very close with some tense moments at the end.
I packed Kolby and I up and drove to the Saturday night service at church. It was there, standing with my arms up worshiping that all the emotion caught up with me. I swiped at the tears threatening to overcome me.
It just felt like too much at that moment. For a hot second, I wished my kid played tennis.
Then I thought of Jesus. I imagined myself in my favorite meadow handing over all the tension and anxiety like a heavy backpack filled with rocks. I felt lighter just giving it to him.
Jesus just looked at me kindly, wiped away my tears and reminded me that he had never left my side. For the first time it dawned on me that EVEN though I am not there, God is. He is present in Kyle’s coaches and teammates. He is in the team doctors and the trainers. And EVEN if Kyle falls, God will catch him.
More tears. Deep breaths. Peace washing over me.
Then my pocket buzzed. I glanced down and pulled out my phone. Kyle had texted.
“Hey Mom. I’m OK. It was really bad calf cramps. When I jumped for the tackle, both my calves locked mid-air It was a combination of the altitude and dehydration. But I didn’t let go of the guy Mom!!!!
Of coarse you didn’t!
And somehow I’m learning how not to drop the ball in those crazy moments too!
Hopefully this wasn’t a test run, but in many ways I’m grateful God walked me through the fear. While I recognize I have NO Control over circumstances in life, I do have the choice to TRUST that God sees and cares and comforts.
My son plays a high risk sport. There is always the potential for injury.
Part of the glory of football comes with the risk. And for me, as a mother…finding the peace and stillness in the midst of the game, in the midst of the storm, is my risk and my interaction with God’s glory.
There is no faith without overcoming uncertainty.
Who knew football could teach me so much about letting go?
By the way, my step-dad is just about fully recovered (Praise God!) and did I tell you my son made the tackle?
If you know me it may have crossed your mind once or twice that “Scrappy” is an awkward name (borderline antonym) for a sensitive and gentle type of gal. I’m an incessant door locker, I look for exits upon entering a room in case I need to flee like Jason Bourne, and I suffer from mild anxiety at well, just about everything. I’m also tall, long limbed (AKA gangly), and struggle to put muscle on my frame. If I ever appeared confident, I was probably faking it.
When I initially picked Scrappy as a moniker it was because I had been through a few tough rounds in the ring of life–lot’s of getting knocked down and getting back up again. Scrappy was simply metaphor for my life, not a narrative.
I was very intentional with the verbiage on my blog, lest no one think I was actually “physically” tough, because let’s be honest. I was a bit of a wuss..
Eight years later, things have changed.
A little over a year ago my dearest friend made me go with her to 9Round Kickboxing Studio to check it out and do a free workout. I was a little leery, but figured, “what the heck?”
That night I came home a dripping sweaty mess. The next day I could barely move but I was hooked. I couldn’t stop thinking about kickboxing.
I liked hitting. Me…WE are talking about me! This wussy girl liked smacking things. Maybe I was missing something in my life? Maybe there was an angry elf in me after all who wanted some recognition?
I begged my husband for a membership so he bought me two months for Mother’s Day. I begged more, pleaded and prayed and thankfully negotiated a great deal. Finally, I was in! I was going to do this scary tough thing!
Fifteen months later, this is what I’ve learned from kickboxing:
When I put on my gloves I am not a gentle woman. I am fierce.
I found a hidden place within my spirit that is strong. I am an athlete. I am a warrior. I am a force to be reckoned with and even in my mid-forties, I can still bring it. Empowerment is an intoxicating thing. I walk taller, my core engages in my every movement, and my body rests easier because it has worked hard.
When I put on my gloves I leave my worries behind.
Sometimes I picture my problems with faces on them as I’m punching the bags or sparring. I pray, yes…I sometimes kick my trainer on purpose, and I pummel. Quite frankly I get a thrill out of beating out my issues physically. That little b!tch, of a problem goes down in a steady trickle of sweat and aggression on the mat.
When I put on my gloves I put off excuses.
One early morn the gym was freezing cold and I complained to my hard-as-nails ex Marine trainer. Bad idea Sam. Bad idea. That day, I learned what it was like to get warm in 33 degrees real quick. I also learned that it can always be worse. When I box, there is no room for complaints or whining. Whatever I’ve got, I leave it on the table. I am currently rehabbing my torn my rotator cuff and labrum on my left shoulder, and although my arms have sadly shrunk, it hasn’t stopped me from boxing with my right arm. I do one arm burpees, planks and mountain climbers. I bear crawl with one arm. I fight with the two good legs and the one good arm I have. Why? Because it could always be worse.
When I put on my gloves, I let go of my vanity.
I’ve always been the girl who put on a little mascara, tied a perky bow on my ponytail and donned a cute workout outfit to go to the gym. It’s just how my mama raised me. I figured it was bad enough getting sweaty and disheveled in front of all those mirrors, I don’t need to run into someone looking like hell on top of it.
Mom forgive me, but YEAH, my thinking has changed. I now put on clothes that are protective, comfortable and cover my parts when I’m boxing, squatting, jumping, kicking and doing my 100th burpee. It’s a paradigm shift of massive proportions for a chronically self-conscious person. I don’t show off my curves when I workout but I will show off all my latest bruises. I have lots of those.
Before, my goal with working out was pretty shallow–either lose a few pounds or maintain my weight. It was never really about true health. That’s changed. I have to eat healthy to fuel my body for workouts. A glass of wine and a protein bar aren’t going to cut it for dinner.
Surprise, surprise. I’ve actually gained weight! Gasp! Shock! This might have sent me into a hysterical Slim Fast panic in the past, but I’m now accepting this stronger person’s body. Yes, my jeans are actually loose but I weigh more. I put on muscle and its OK. I am healthy and it’s ENOUGH.
(That’s like 45 years of therapy right there alone)
When I put on my gloves, I recognize life is more like 9 Rounds then we give it credit for.
There are endurance rounds where I endlessly jump rope and feel like a sprite bouncing on a cloud of marshmallows and then there are the brutal rounds where I chum in my mouth and cuss under my breath and cry at the trainers until exhaustion. Sometimes I get the wind knocked out of me and sometimes I go down in a heap, but I trust that God (and family and friends) are ALWAYS in my corner calling out and whispering to me to get back up again and fight this battle.
No one really blows it in the ring, (except for the lady who came to the gym drunk and got kicked out. OK…maybe she blew it, but not you! You wouldn’t do that)
The only way to fail in this workout is to not show up. Life is like that too. You just need to show up, be present and put on your gloves. (And drink water not gin before you workout, that helps too.)
Need Some Motivation? Consider the underdog.
There is a video on Twitter I love to watch over and over…
It’s about a small chihuahua that can dance. Seriously, the dog has moves. The thing I adore about this video is that’s it’s so UNEXPECTED.
Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but this dog says to me, “Don’t let anyone tell you can’t do something! You say dog’s don’t have moves. I say watch me groove, cholo.”
What makes an underdog story good is that it starts with a faulty belief system. The protagonist lack confidence until circumstances force them to find inner strength. They overcome an obstacle to destroy the lie (or bad guy) and live in the truth.
I relate to the underdog. I used to believe lies about my physical strength. I told myself, “I’m not tough. I don’t fight back. I allow people to get to my heart. I’m too sensitive.”
But kickboxing is changing that for me. I might still cry while I’m punching you, because, after all, I am tender-hearted, but I bet you won’t see it coming.
If you have believed lies about your strength, or about who you are, maybe you need to rock the boat too and get out of your comfort zone? Maybe it’s Kickboxing or Crossfit or whatever pushes you past your perceived limits. Just do something a little crazy. Turn off the Netflix, drag your butt off the sofa, text a friend who’s willing to try new $h1t and get out there!
Confront that inner wuss and send it packing!
Truth? The dog can dance and you are stronger than you think.
I didn’t know when I picked the name “Scrappy” I would discover a fighter. Not just a metaphorical fighter who gets shoved aside and wearily marches on, but a real fighter who isn’t afraid of being bold and delivering a crushing blow.
We collapse from a one-armed plank and tear our labrum and then only days later pick up a bag overstuffed with wine and condiments by our darling husband and separate the rest of our shoulder tearing our rotator cuff to boot.
Stuff like that, crazy dumb injuries, or maybe that’s just me?
Only four months ago I was happily punching bags and sparring with my trainer Ramin at the kickboxing studio. I felt strong and confidant, maneuvering around his swings in my pink gloves and landing an occasional crushing kick (when he wasn’t looking) and then the next minute I’m in the MRI torture machine shoving my wounded shoulder into a box the size of a Twinkie and trying to hold still for thirty minutes of pure hell.
One day I’m on top of the world and the next day I’m down for the count. The doctors said six months before I can (maybe?) box again with my left arm. Possibly surgery if it doesn’t heal and then an even longer recovery.
Wait, What? That’s a long time to heal. And then there’s the physical therapy and pain management and all the junk of recovering.
I still get sad thinking about it.
My injured “red arm,” as my husband likes to call it (cue star Wars C3PO reference) started me thinking about wounds that are difficult to heal.
The kind of wounds you can’t see. The inner wounds. The ones that bleed anxiety and spiritual fatigue.
We expect physical injuries and illness to take time and rest to heal, and even though we resist, we know there is a process. You can’t rush a broken bone in a cast. But what about the breaks in our spirit or the small relentless rips and tears that we ignore as they wither away our heart?
What about soul injuries?
Maybe a part of our heart died with a loss, a death of a dream, or even worse, got WEARY without us even realizing it. Suddenly, we experience bizarre symptoms and it stops us in our tracks. Things don’t work like they used to. We aren’t exactly depressed but the spark isn’t shining as bright as it used to.
Unfortunately with soul wounds, the recovery period isn’t as obvious or predictable as a physical injury. Maybe you don’t even know what’s wrong? Hearts are tricky like that.
What if we need to go on a journey to fix this broken thing we can’t even initially articulate?
That’s what happened to me. I didn’t have the words (or the emotional awareness) to even describe what broke. I just knew something was off. Mainly one big area was off.
My son asked me one day, “Mom are you still writing? I mean, I know you write for work but what about for you?”
This is the dreaded question I heard on a weekly basis for the last 365+ flipping days.
“Nice to see you Sam. How’s the writing? What project are you working on now?”
Cue the dumb look from me… “Oh, ummmm…vacant stare.”
When we feed our dog Zeus in the morning he does the same stare. We ask him to sit, then “stay” and drop the Kibbles in his bowl. We make him hold his position before we tell him to “get it.” The funny thing is Zeus won’t make eye contact while he’s waiting. In fact the sheer act of waiting makes him twitch like a lizard. He physically can’t look us in the eye. Instead he herky jerks his head around and looks everywhere but at the person giving him his sustenance.
Basically, that’s me when I get asked about writing.
I either change the subject or stammer out an evasive response. My head probably does the weird Zeus thing too because it makes me so painfully uncomfortable.
Why? Because I didn’t have an answer. I quit the magazine I was writing for because I burned out. I had zero projects lined up because of said “burnout.” I thought I’d take off a few weeks, refresh and get back at it, not stall indefinitely.
One day I churned out words. I was a writer. The next day I was a?
What was I?
Basically my writer mojo broke. You can call it whatever…but I was STUCK.
Not a little stuck. A big colossal sticky stuck that lasted an achingly long time.
Did I still write? Sort of. Articles about cybersecurity and compliance. But the stuff that MOVES me, delving into relationships and Jesus and life, just screeched to a halt. I hated everything I wrote and published nothing. My words collected dust in a heap of uncertainty.
The stuck started last June, not two months ago, but the June in 2017.
I woke up one day, grabbed my Bible and coffee, sat down to write (like usual) and nothing came out.
This was a baby red flag. A one-off, i told myself. I’m just a little sad that my son went off to college. Next day will be better.
But it wasn’t. Next day I sat there like a lump on a log too. So I made more excuses.
Normally words pour out of me. Writing is like scratching an angry mosquito bite. It’s compulsive. It takes over. When I write I go into a different realm. Hours can go by in a blink for me and it’s the closest thing I experience to true worship.
For days on end I tried to make writing happen, to force what used to be innate. I got frustrated with myself. Angry. Sad and then finally fed up.
I was MAD.
I cried out. I begged God. I asked for prayer from trusted friends. I threw pennies in fountains and pleaded with birthday candles to restore my heart. I choked out 350 words a day of crap and would then backspace it in angry little finger taps.
Nothing worked. Month after month passed by.
Words (worthy of sharing) simply evaded me. It’s too bad they don’t have a translator for grunts and groans. I had an abundance of those.
So one day I put my laptop down, along with my pathetic attempts to recreate what was lost and said “Uncle.”
And this beautiful thing In my life disappeared. I felt like I was watching my firstborn drive off to college once again, but this time it was my freaking identity in the driver’s seat.
(Insert a woeful theme song here)
So I figured God MUST be doing something. Maybe I needed to learn a new thing? Maybe it was rest? I suck at that concept. I will rest, God, I will rest so hard, I’ll make you proud!
But I’m not good at true rest so it was a rough go at first. I binge watched Netflix for about a month, which I never had time to do before because I always had three articles due on Monday.
But now, dang it, I only had one job, one less kid at home, and weekends free. What was a few more hours of the Crown or those crazy Gilmore Girls and their clever banter?
I read a bazillion books and then got bored.
Then I went back to my tasks because they comfort me and like I said, I suck at rest.
I put in more hours at work. I got into kickboxing . I watched a million of Kolby’s dance classes. I stage mommed it, and cheer mommed it and college football mommed it. I even learned how to dance mom it, maybe the most stressful of all! I volunteered with hyper second graders at church and organized parties at school. I got into wine and then felt guilty about the wine and did a Whole 30 to make me feel more holy. I went Paleo. I read every book in my house…again.
Basically, I did everything I could do to avoid thinking about my problem. I just avoided it.
Then one day my trainer said to me, “Sam, if I left it up to you, you would never heal.”
Now Ramin was specifically talking about my shoulder wound because I rarely skipped a day at the gym after my injury, I just dropped down to one glove, but his words hit me in the gut with a truth much bigger than my rotator cuff.
He’s so right. I don’t ever want to slow down and heal. It’s like a recurring anthem in my life.
What the heck? God was speaking to me through my trainer. Seriously?
In that moment, clarity hit. I knew if I looked in my heart there might be lingering hurt I’d failed to deal with-bits of remaining grief from losing both my parents, anger from 8 miscarriages in 8 years, sadness from my kid’s growing up and relational wounds from ministry I’d avoided dealing with. Ramin was on to something.
IF IT WAS UP TO ME, I WOULD NEVER HEAL.
Truth, Ramin…Cold. Hard. Truth.
About 6 months in to the stuck, I decided it was time to face it. I was finally brave enough (and desperate enough) to lean into the silence.
But I wasn’t sure where to start? None of my escapism was working and my prayers felt like a hard bounce.
I decided to wake up early before the sun came up and just sit, alone with me and my journal, a stack of books and my Bible.
I was going to wait for God to show up and get some stinking answers.
Each day I crawled out of bed at 5am, brewed a pot of strong coffee and sat in the quiet.
In the beginning, I rarely wrote. I guess the journal was just a prop in case the Spirit moved me.
The first few weeks not much happened. If God was speaking I still wasn’t hearing.
La, la, la…hello?
Then one morning I felt a nudge to read a certain book. I had it buried behind a stack of Kolby’s baby books upstairs and hadn’t picked it up in a long time. I truthfully didn’t even remember what it was about. It was called Scary Close by Donald Miller. The book was about writer’s block.
What? It felt like a little recognition from the big guy upstairs and it made me so deliriously happy! No communication for months on my issue and then a book just for me! Woo Hoo! I inhaled it in about a minute I was so jazzed. The book was wonderful and awful all at the same time, mainly because it messed with me in a good way. For the first time I felt understood, which was such a relief. Don had gone through this miserable pain too! Hallelujah! But Don’s journey and his words exposed things in me I didn’t want to deal with. Insecurity. People Pleasing. Fear. I felt yucky and motivated all at the same time.
Ok, Jesus. I get it. I’m messed up. Can I write now?
Then I felt a strong push to lead a discipleship group called Rooted at our church. I was scared. Yes, I’ve led many Rooted groups before but this was different. I wasn’t in the most Jesus “y” place. I didn’t feel very leaderly. But I showed up obediently, albeit reluctantly. So did the other 18 members of the group and we dove headfirst into the awkwardness of exposing our hearts and sharing our lives.
Weeks later, one of the guys in the group confessed he was super skeptical about having a pastor’s wife lead until the second week when I walked in and said I felt awful because I was acting like a total bitch to my teenage daughter when she did this thing that got under my skin. Apparently my use of the “B” word made him feel better. I later learned the whole group consensus was that once they heard me say a bad word, they knew I was chill and we could bond.
Let me get this straight…God, you used my potty mouth to help me connect with my group?
Bad word yeah!
I find this so refreshing and personally endearing. It was like a little love note from God to me. By no means do I share this as an endorsement for cussing, but I felt uniquely loved in spite of my total and complete jacked up “ness.”
For ten 10 weeks our group laughed and cried and listened to a universal groan of pain and struggle, and then collectively, we moved towards healing and encouragement. I watched in amazement as people who came to the group the first week looking downright skeptical and burdened with pain transform into vibrant beings. The night we affirmed and blessed one another my spirit felt like it was on fire with a joy and an invigoration that literally hurt my face. The last time I had that big of a grin was on my wedding day. Something powerful was moving.
During the ten weeks of Rooted one of the guys in our group taught us to meditate. When you think of a zen type of personality this guy comes to mind. He has the tranquility of Yoda laced with a surfer heart. Gene taught me step by step to inhale the Holy spirit and exhale prayer. I was so scared the first time I tried it. I’m not sure why? It’s not like God was judging me on my technique.
The Big Breakthrough
One day in the car as I drove little Kolby to an audition in LA, an image popped into my head and I went with it. I visualized myself in a meadow talking to Jesus. It felt so real. I asked him questions and he answered, and his responses blew my mind.
When I told my husband I was so scared, like a little kid afraid to share a bad report card.
“So, you might think this is weird, but I talked to Jesus today.”
Fortunately, my husband encouraged me to just go with and keep talking to Jesus, one of the many benefits of marrying a pastor.
It was the first one of hundreds of conversations. A counselor later asked me if I someone had instructed me on how to do this type of therapy. I looked at her confused and honestly answered, “No, just Jesus. And this is therapy? I thought I was just talking to God.”
The conversations with Jesus started to change me. I certainly couldn’t hallucinate with this type of clarity. It was as if my imagination was baptized, washed new in His holy presence.
There were conversations about loss and forgiveness, images of me being held and comforted, and playful moments where I simply basked in the light and love of my creator. Sometimes we fished and sometimes we danced.
Here’s the thing.
Jesus was becoming my friend. Not a hypothetical metaphor. Not a “Jesus loves me this I know” kid’s song. A real friend. Someone I listened too more than I talked at. A person I loved and received love from.
Now, I have pursued God for most of my life. I’ve run towards him. I’ve often run in front of him. I’ve held on to the end of a rope as he dragged me through the fire. I’ve been in a zillion Bible Studies and studied theology in grad school. I’ve called out to him and cried out to him. But I was missing out on a huge part of the relationship.
Certainly, there was reverence and awe, surrender and a sense of direction, but my relationship lacked the deepest of intimacy.
I was still letting anxiety, pain and worry cloud my vision. I held them too close and gave them too much power. I didn’t cast my burdens on him. I wasn’t Spirit led.
But this Jesus, the one I fished with in my dreams had something else to offer me.
Comfort. Healing. Relief.
And Intimacy…The kind of intimacy I have with my husband. Like a lover staring into the eyes of their beloved knowing they are accepted and treasured unconditionally. Like a father who holds his sobbing child and comforts her.
Every time I showed up to the meadow, something new happened. I let him minister to my old wounds and crown me with love and hope and freedom. I said goodbye to all those babies and named them. I forgave people who hurt me and allowed forgiveness to penetrate my heart instead of pushing it down and wallowing in shame. Tears I’ve pent-up for years broke free and the knot in my heart loosened its grip and finally disappeared.
And then about a month ago, exactly one year after my writers block hit, I was asked to help write a commercial. It was a little thing and they edited my words down into about 15 seconds, but in that moment of being asked to write, I felt an overwhelming sense of sureness and release.
The commercial was about dance and a little girl’s dreams. How insanely appropriate?
For the first time, in a long time, I didn’t hit delete. I presented my words like a sacrificial offering of love. On the day they filmed I brushed away the tears rolling down my face when I heard the little girls’ voice recording the words I penned.
It was a small victory that took my breath away. Words and I finally made our peace.
Looking back at the last year, I don’t think my “stuck” was a writer’s block thing at all, although God certainly used it to get my attention. The stuck was simply a glaring red light for a soul wound He wanted to heal in me and Jesus was inviting me to draw closer and experience him in a new and deeper way.
So what did I learn?
That God’s “no” was not a rejection at all…but a beautiful redirection towards something so much better.
–Samantha
Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin and decay. But look for Christ, and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”–CS Lewis
I busy myself with tasks to avoid the inevitable–my son is leaving for college in less than an hour. I press down the knot of tears just waiting to spring up from my aching heart and will myself into composure.
“Not now. Don’t meltdown now.” I chant as my fight song.
I wade through heaps of clothes by my son’s door headed for Goodwill as he clears out his room. A wool beanie with a cheery pom catches my eye. The hat boasts “D1 Bound” across the side. Kyle was 15 when he bought the beanie in Las Vegas at a football tournament. He was full of nerve and pluck back then–bent on playing Division 1 football in college in spite of the odds.
I pick up the hat and hold it close, breathing in his boyish man smell. Oh no, not this one. This hat is going nowhere. This hat is a symbol of my kid’s tenacity. It might as well be his old bib or binky as tightly as I’m clutching it.
I carry the hat into my bedroom and find Kyle sprawled out on my bed cradling his baby sister in his arms and whispering affirmations softly to her. My heart drops. Oh Jesus, don’t let me forget this moment. He catches my eye and my heart splinters all the more. How is my son such a beast on the turf and yet so tender with the people he loves?
Last night at dinner, Kyle stopped me mid-whirl as I doled out seconds and thirds of steak and potatoes–his favorite meal–and he held me.
Tight.
He forced me to just be with him. And in the stillness of the hug I broke and wept. My son beamed a wide grin that lit up the room, because if he knows only one thing from his mama, he is loved. My tears confirm this simple truth.
Honestly, I cry all the time in this phase of life.
Babies were incredibly hard, but letting go of those babies is a whole different kind of torture. It’s searing and disruptive. It chases you down at Trader Joe’s when you reach for the kids favorite food and then stop yourself mid-reach.
Because they don’t need it anymore.
Because they will have their own shopping cart now. Because in the blink of an eye they grew up.
And you stand in Trader Joe’s dying a small death and clutch at your chest as tears prick at your eyes, stab at your heart and drip, drip, drip on the floor. And people look at you weird.
And you are like, “shut up, my son is leaving for college tomorrow and I’m losing my spit right here next to the jasmine rice.”
This journey of goodbye for us is a little harsher than most. It’s more like the military mom. Most kids return for breaks and summer when they go off to college. But with football it’s different. It’s a job. My kid receives only a few weeks off a year and this next season playing for the WolfPack will stretch out for for six long months with no breaks.
That’s a long time in a a mama’s world.
I try to remind myself that his leaving is a blessing! He got a full ride and saved me a fortune. I am so proud of his hard work. I will see my boy on ABC and ESPN. And then I look at the bratwurst he loves and fall to pieces again.
I know my son will return different. Living on his own in an apartment, paying bills and juggling football and college–it will grow him up. He will be forced to discover new discipline and self-reliability. And while I celebrate this transformation and launch, I grieve the treasured years that will never return.
I think about playing Winnie the Pooh tea-party with my golden haired toddler and using our best British voices to learn manners. I recall his chubby little arms wrapped around me when he scraped his knees (which he did all the time and it’s why his nickname is Boo.) I think of the endless books we read together, his non-stop mischief and energy, the never-ending stinky football pads, practices and games, all the road trips and vacations, skiing along side his snowboard racing down the mountain, and his constant non-stop smile. Kyle is an easygoing, affectionate, unusually bright and determined kid. He is a natural born leader and a lover of people. Not only do I adore my son and revel in the young man God created him to be, I like him as a person. He’s just cool. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with him?
Why do I do this to myself? Can I go to college too?
Finally it’s go time. We carry his bags down to the his truck with the monster Nevada sticker on it and load his life in it one bag at a time. We take pictures and selfies. We hug. We pray as a family and we cry torrents and torrents of tears.
But although Kyle is sad to say goodbye, there is excitement simmering under the surface knowing this new adventure is upon him and it’s exhilarating and terrifying and awesome. I sense his restlessness to hit the road and readiness to move on. And so I finish my last mama duty for this incredibly rewarding season of growing up my boy. I give him him a tight squeeze and then…
Birds chirp loudly. The sun assaults my face. Not asleep, but not yet awake, I imagine throwing rocks at the birds.
Wait..what? I like birds. What’s wrong with me? I turn my head and wince. My throat aches, my ear pounds and my head feels heavy and hurty.
Grumpy assaults me and I feel like I got hit by a tequila bottle. It must be the flu. I stumble down the stairs and reach for the coffee pot and Advil.
My daughter Faith wanders downstairs. “Mom, you have to take me to school now, Camille has a volleyball tournament so my ride fell through.”
I look at the clock and growl. I have twenty minutes to get ready for work. Twenty minutes to get two kids out the door in uniforms with packed lunches and backpacks filled with the appropriate gear for the day’s activities. Tim has already left for work and my man/child college student with classes that don’t start until 9:00 am is still snoring. The dog looks at me and sighs.
“I know buddy. No walk. No foot snuggle. This blows cupcakes.”
I gulp my coffee and burn my already sore throat.
Somehow we make it out the door. Faith asks to drive. I say “yes” reluctantly. Driving my recently permitted daughter stresses me out. She’s not a bad driver, I mean sometimes we run lights and stuff, but really, it’s all the other idiots on the road I worry about. I smile and nod yes, trying to find the nice mom hiding behind the bear.
I look at my phone and tune out as she drives. It helps with the terror.
After we arrive at the high school I take over and drive Kolby to Krispy Kreme. We load up on donuts and head to her school. I ask her not to eat in the car because we are still dealing with the red crayon marks and Capri Sun stains artistically displayed across the back seat. Did I mention I have only made three car payments on this car?
We park the car and head for the playground. Kolby finds a friend to play with and I head for the bench to rest my sick and weary behind. Along the way a high-spirited game of dodgeball interrupts. A large boy lunges for the ball but plows into me instead. I stumble and sprawl onto the asphalt.
“Sorry mam.” He looks at me with big eyes. I smile weakly, pick myself up, wipe off the dirt covering my nice work pants, then limp over to the bench. I think about suing but decide he probably has a small allowance.
All I want to do is sit. I hurt everywhere. The bench hums a siren song and I blissfully sigh and plop down. But relief does not come. Instead I feel wet. Maybe it’s because I am sitting in a huge puddle.
Bad words head for my mouth. If it wasn’t a Christian school I might erupt.
The END of the Rope
I head to work alternating between weak laughter and snotty hiccup tears.
Then a reminder pops up on my phone. “Speak at Divorce Care tonight.”
Of course! I forgot. How silly of me.
I am supposed to share words of encouragement and motivate others towards Jesus and healing tonight. I mean I haven’t showered, my voice is hoarse and my ass is a train wreck. I think I’ve got it covered.
No!!!!! I can’t do this. I just want to go back to bed and crank up my electric blanket.
And then I remember the topic of conversation the other night at my pastor’s wives group–“How do you deal with Spiritual Warfare?”
I recall my awkward response. For some weird reason I get totally nervous at these gatherings and act like a weenie because I’m painfully uncomfortable when it comes to spiritual measuring sticks–either real or imagined.
Is That a Demon on Your Shoulder?
The truth is spiritual warfare is one of those weird terms in the church world that people throw around casually. Some folks believe every bad thing that happens is demonic.
Out of toilet paper? It’s probably the demons who used it up. Car broke down? Demons. Broke? Demons. It probably has nothing to do with your spending habits.
While I don’t ascribe every bad thing in the world to Satan, I can say (with all certainty) that I do notice a difference before big events and occasions where God is impacting lives that bizarre stuff happens to pastors and their families. Things like random misunderstandings, arguments, illness, assaults of insecurity and doubt. The week before Christmas and Easter is usually pretty tough to get through.
And when I’m actually in tune enough to identify a spiritual warfare attack, I know it’s time to start praying and ask for others to do so as well.
And this is when the epiphany cracks through my thick skull.
Hey Sam…this is that spiritual warfare moment.
The illness, the puddle, the accident on the playground, the ruined work pants–all coinciding on the day when we head over to talk to a group of people whose hearts have been ravaged by divorce. Hearts who are grasping for a shred of hope to hang on.
Maybe calling and canceling is a terrible idea.
I remember back to when I was sitting in Divorce Care after my ex-husband walked out on me and how much it meant for me to have people pour into my wounded heart and take the time to invest in my healing.
This crap day isn’t some cosmic accident designed to piss me off. It’s a calculated plan to steal my joy, keep me self-absorbed and completely ineffective for the Kingdom of God.
So I close my eyes and pray.
I am no wordsmith when I pray. I don’t quote scripture or use big words. It’s often just grunts and tears.
I whisper a simple thanks. I am grateful that even when I am defeated, whiny and pathetic, I am still loved. I plead for protection and for God to use me in spite of myself.
And the relief finally comes, not from a magical cure or less messy circumstances, but from a loving father who gives me the strength to push through.
Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season you will reap if you do not lose heart.
“Keller, I had a crazy dream. I dreamed we got the old poker gang back together,” Dan shared with my hubby Tim.
Don’t you just love crazy ideas?
It seemed an impossible feat. Over the last ten years the group of single thirty somethings (now forty somethings) had moved and married, divorced and proliferated, faced health challenges, job transitions and relational crisis–basically the gritty basics of life assaulting us.
My husband shook his head in disbelief, but his wide grin revealed his excitement at the possibility of reconnecting with old friends.
“Yeah, let’s do it! Tim replied.
Dan worked hard to pull the event off and surprisingly it seemed to all fall into place until the house he rented for the party flooded at the eleventh hour.
Seriously?
Opportunity or Disaster?
Just as I was walking out the door to take Kolby to an audition the call came in. “Keller, we need a place to hold the party.”
I looked at my husband and sighed. I knew the answer immediately. “Offer up your house Sam,” God nudged at my heart.
Come again? My dirty messy house. The one that overwhelms me and reminds me of my failure to balance work, kids, endless sports, ministry, and a husband who fills our house to the brim with his knack for thrifty bargain hunting.
I look around and see clumps of dog hair in the corners, textbooks and laptops everywhere, Lego’s, Emoji’s and American Girl chaos in competition for biggest disaster area. I know the toilet in the guest bathroom looks like a pack of truckers stopped by and the dishes are piled high.
And my heart aches because my house is like a snapshot of my soul–me at the end of my rope, reaching out for rescue like a small child with arms held high. Hold me Jesus. I’m struggling to wade through this wonderful, exhausting, roller-coaster life.
Choosing The Best Mess
“Let’s do it here.” I say.
“No, I’ll look at the clubhouse.” Tim pipes back.
I know my husband will fight me tooth and nail because my heart is acting cranky again and I’m supposed to be on a diet of low stress–whatever that means because I clearly suck at it.
I immediately start stuffing clutter in cabinets as if tidiness can hide my brokenness. And then I just stop and release, “Ok God, I get it. Messy is Ok.”
My husband protests and I bark back, “Just have the party here. It makes sense. God gave us this house to bless others. Just clean up a little, please?”
My husband gives me the crazy look, but I know this crazy is the right crazy.
Letting Go
I grab my little girl and we hit the road for a two hour drive, extended by an additional thirty minutes after my GPS sends me in the wrong direction. After I quietly berate my phone, I settle down and pray, reminding myself that in the big picture relationships matter more than a clean house and being on time in LA is a suggestion.
After the audition (which my baby nailed), I call to check in with Tim who is happily hosting the party–my darling extrovert in his element.
And I feel a sense of peace and strangely enough, rest. Not because my life is anymore less chaotic but because God revealed himself to me in the center of the mess.
A Message
When we arrive home later that evening, the roar of laughter hits my ears as I open the car door in the driveway. I open the front door and am enveloped in hugs. No one cares about the floors or the toys. I see beautiful faces and I am so glad I said “Yes.”
But then I sense something more–an undercurrent of restoration. Things are happening. Strained relationships are mending. Friends who let time elapse too long bond again. The old jokes and ridiculous names they call one another are music to the soul.
I sense the bigness of what’s going on. I’m just an observer but even I know this is more than a party, it’s a redemptive offering. I can’t believe they all showed up. I can’t believe a crazy dream led to this night.
I retire early and fall asleep with the party still in full swing, snuggled up next to my little girl, content in the sounds of laughter and revelry downstairs knowing that old friends are making new memories and hearts are full. What crazy dream do you need to say yes to?
We are on our way to an audition in Burbank for Kolby—a three hour drive for a three minute interview. Then we get to drive home. Oh joy!
Needless to say, my kid and I have long conversations.
“Mommy, who are you going to vote for?”
I look in the rearview mirror at my six-year-old and chuckle. Oh boy, this is a big question. I decide to remain neutral. I am Switzerland. I determine I will not taint my kid with nasty politics.
“Well, mommy is not sure yet, sweetheart. I guess I’m not super excited about either candidate and that leaves me in an awkward place.” I smile and feign peace.
Inside I scream, “Dang it, I am a freaking Republican without an advocate, a leaf blowing in the wind of uncertainty. I’m so scared!!!!!
Kolby thinks hard, “Well Mommy, how are going to decide?”
Deep breath, “Well, ultimately, I have to follow my beliefs and determine which candidate best represents my interests and those things I am passionate about.”
Kolby pauses then belts out, “If I could vote I would be a Trump Girl!”
My mouth falls open. “Huh?”
“Yes it’s true. I think Hillary believes in mermaids and I don’t anymore. Its true Mommy, I believe mermaids are fake. You said it’s about what we believe Mommy, right? I think believing in mermaids is a deal breaker!”
I try to keep the car on the road and not die laughing.
My GPS makes a sudden detour and we exit off the freeway in East LA by Dodgers Stadium. Tears are running down my face and I’m wheezing from holding in my giggles, then Kolby shrieks and points.
“Mommy, lock the doors there a clown in the road!”
On the off-ramp of the 5 freeway stands a clown—a bulbous nosed, red haired clown who is juggling. He looks terrifying.
Fortunately, there are no woods nearby to drag us off into and kill us.
Ok Clown Dude, I understand it’s been a bad year for you guys with everything going on in Charleston and all, but this really isn’t the right place and time to build clown support.
And then I think about Trump and Hillary, mermaids, the media and the stupid clown and it all swirls into a cacophony of confusion. My head hurts and I want this circus to be over.
In a few short days the election is upon us. Here are my thoughts:
Please go vote. I don’t care who you land on. Vote for Him. Vote for Her. Write in a candidate if you must. Just get out there and engage. Never forget that voting is a privilege and people died for our freedom so we can bitch and moan about a less than thrilling election.
The candidates may both stink (in my opinion) but I feel fortunate and so grateful to live in a place where I have the opportunity to choose. And when in doubt on all those props in CA, use Kolby’s logic–vote “yes” for kids, vets and puppies. Vote “no” on everything else.
I’m at Starbucks and see a catchy orange flier on the pin board for a walk to end Alzheimer’s. I stop mid-pour on the creamer and wince.
Deep inside I ache. But I’m intrigued.
I reach up to tear off a little strip of the paper to register and swipe at suddenly damp cheeks.
I know Alzheimer’s. Oh yeah, I know you.
It started in our family years and years ago and it ended on a Christmas day three years ago–not so merry and not so bright.
Pretty much every memory I have of my grandmother is colored by this disease, I don’t really remember her without it—it was a twenty year journey.
But my dad is another story. It felt like twenty minutes. Alzheimer’s hit hard and it hit fast.
Now I love Christmas. Who doesn’t?
I can still picture myself as a kid peering up at the sky on Christmas Eve as waves crashed on the beach nearby, searching desperately for Santa’s sleigh—hoping that jolly and rosy cheeked man could find his way to Surf City despite our serious lack of winter and fake plastic reindeers on the lawns. My dad would laugh at my earnestness and point to an airplane or something bright in the sky to get me to look.
I think of my own babies bundled up in their Christmas jammies putting out almond milk and cookies (is Santa dairy free too mama?) and laughing uproariously at the Hazel the Elf’s affinity for joy rides in the Barbie Corvette leaving a trail of Starburst wrappers in her dust.
Christmas, to me, is a blissful hodge-podge of cherished memories I treasure to no end. But I also remember the Christmas morning three years ago when I answered the call that changed everything.
My dad—suffering from Picks Disease (an aggressive form of Alzheimer’s) had lapsed into a state of paranoia, grabbed a butcher knife and forced my step-mom and brother into a corner believing they were intruders. I was expecting to hear “Merry Christmas Sweetheart. We are running a little behind for Christmas dinner because we ran into traffic on the Ortega Pass”
Instead screams and terror filled the air. My step-mom threw the phone at my dad and he answered in a voice I didn’t know—a crazed shadow of the well-respected doctor and community leader I grew up with.
Somehow I talked him into believing I had called the police department and the real intruders were getting away. Only Jesus knows the spiritual battle and the tears streaming down my face as I talked my dad out of attacking his wife and son. But mercy interrupted. He redirected his focus and they got the knife away.
I begged my step-mom to call the police for her own safety but she wasn’t about to let my dad be taken away to some awful place for the mentally ill and locked up on Christmas Day. Needless to say they canceled out on Christmas dinner, got him to take his meds and eventually he calmed down into the sweet and docile man we knew and loved.
But the next day the story didn’t have a happy ending. Only six weeks out from the Picks diagnosis, my dad’s brain began to atrophy at an alarming rate, sending him back into a state of paranoia. He locked the bedroom door screaming about robbers and thieves chasing him and proceeded to jump off the second story balcony.
Yes, that’s right he jumped. It’s not something we talk about much because it was so traumatic. My beautiful mother was also losing her battle to pancreatic cancer at the time. Those days are a blur of shock and sorrow.
People often ask me if my dad tried to commit suicide because of his condition, but no, his mind simply tricked him. Paranoia is powerful and as his brain shut down, the delusions were very real to him.
My husband and I were at Burlington Coat Factory returning a Christmas gift when we got the call that he had jumped and hit the concrete patio. We dropped our bags and raced to the hospital where his mangled leg and body lay stretched on a gurney. I squeezed his hand and tried to calm down his disorientation and confusion. It was the last day I would ever talk coherently to my dad, as they wheeled him into a surgery he never really came back from. He looked in my eyes and said “I love You, Sam.”
A few weeks later he died from his massive injuries. I can’t imagine the hell my poor step-mom went through that day—but I’m guessing Christmas strikes a chord with her too.
But I believe this sadness is not meant to be wasted. There is always something we can do, a light we can shine to help someone else through the darkness or a word of encouragement.
Alzheimer’s is a fatal disease. There are no “survivors.”
But there are a few gifts—you just have to look hard to find them—namely the people who step up and care for their spouse and parents and loved ones. I have a million stories of my grandmother battling this disease and all her crazy antics, from running away and beating us with her purse to her own threats against caretakers, and yet I also watched my parents patiently care for her.
Last week I watched my friend’s mom carefully spoon feed her own ailing mother in a wheelchair at her granddaughter’s birthday party. Her gentleness was a sacred offering and beautiful to behold amidst a background of shrieking kids and a world focused on themselves.
I watched my darling step-father and uncles care for their dad who suffered from dementia. He died after getting severely burned in the shower because he got confused over the hot and cold faucet.
Oh this disease is merciless.
But these caretakers are the real and quiet hero’s, giving up so much to put someone else’s needs before their own. I am in awe of their decision to radically love and self-sacrifice on a daily basis.
Alzheimer’s ravages families.
Currently, there is NO known treatment or cure for Picks, the type of Alzheimer’s my dad had. Once it’s diagnosed you are lucky to get five years ultimately ending up with 24-hour care as your brain starts shutting down communication and basic functions.
I don’t know if this disease is a part of my future or not but, regardless, it is a part of my story.
In a few weeks I will walk on the same beach I used to look up into the night sky on Christmas Eve and search desperately for Santa’s sleigh. But this time I will look up at the blue sky and think of my heavenly family. I will walk for my dad, my grandmother, my step-grandfather and for life.
Please help me in changing the story for so many other families who will travel down this terrible road.
In the next few weeks the Orange County Walk4Alz is taking place. 100% of the money raised goes into research and support for families battling this disease. The walk is free but you are encouraged to donate. If you raise $50, you get a free t-shirt. That’s pretty cool!
When, where and what time are the walks in Orange County?
Huntington Beach Walk – Saturday, November 5th – Contact Us • Registration at 7:30 AM. • Opening Ceremony at 8:30 AM. • Walk begins at 9:00 AM (rain or shine!). • Plan to arrive early to register, park and enjoy vendor village! • Parking: Complimentary transportation from First Christian Church of Huntington Beach (1207 Main St., Huntington Beach, CA 92648) to the Walk location will be provided. • Additional Parking: State Beach parking lot between 1st St. and Beach Blvd., is $15. Metered parking is available along PCH & Beach Blvd. Angel Stadium Anaheim Walk – Saturday, November 12th – Contact Us • Registration at 7:30 AM. • Opening Ceremony at 8:30 AM. • Walk begins at 9:00 AM (rain or shine!). • Plan to arrive early to register, park and enjoy vendor village! • Parking: Please enter the Stadium off of Gene Autry Way. Attendants will guide you to complimentary parking upon entry to parking lot. What are the distances of the walks?
“Keller, I had a crazy dream. I dreamed we got the old poker gang back together,” Dan shared with my hubby Tim.
