I’ve never been one to understand the folks who bemoan a holiday or associate it with pain. My lack of empathy, while unintentional, comes strictly from a bundle of delicious memories tucked away in my heart .
While I know there is rampant family dysfunction and a thousand other awfuls abounding in the world –it’s never touched me during the season. Thanksgiving and Christmas were my respite from the chaos of life. I still catch myself searching for Santa and his sleigh on Christmas Eve after so many years of wanting to believe.
I relish the thought of pumpkin pie and chats with grandma, cheesy small talk with cousins and hours of football. I dress my kids in party frocks and it’s a no-brainer that I will gain at least gain two pounds from my mom’s pecan pie alone.
Unfortunately, due to some rough patches, I’ve now crossed over to the dark side.
Just the smell of turkey bums me out.
Two years ago I lost a favorite uncle while the turkey was in the oven, a year ago my aunt (his wife) joined him and I watched in disbelief as my cousins buried both their parents back to back. But now I am hit with the hardest pill of all to swallow –the diagnosis of my father with Dementia.
I look around the table and there are empty seats where smiles used to be. My heart lurches and pangs. The cranberries taste more bitter than sweet.
As we shared our blessings at dinner this year I wasn’t honest. I muttered out the typical Jesus-y pat answer. Certainly, I am fortunate to have a loving husband and beautiful children. We have health and provision and faith. I get it. I am thankful beyond words.
But I didn’t share what I was most grateful and most greedy for –these precious and now fleeting moments with my dad.
I don’t know how many Thanksgiving’s I’ve got left with him and quite frankly, it ticks me off. I couldn’t be truthful. I didn’t dare. I would have broken down and bawled like a baby all over the green bean casserole.
It took a long time (too long perhaps) to finally have the relationship I’ve always dreamed about with my dad. But this dream is is as delicate and fragile as the ones in my slumber. I’m afraid to wake up and watch it dissapear while I rub the sleep out of my eyes.
Will my father carry the tinkle of my daughter Faith’s laugh in his heart? Will he be able to recall the golden curls of little Kolby? Will he recognize his grandson’s smile and gentle spirit?
What if he forgets me? What happens when I call and my daddy doesn’t know my voice?
How do I enjoy this moment and swallow turkey when I am mourning over the tears which I know will inevitably follow?
I am envious of the peace my dad has discovered through suffering. He has surrendered to the inevitable and placed his hope in God. I, on the other hand am stubborn. I play a tug of war.
I know God is able to heal but his will is a mystery. I don’t understand, but I trust -sometimes begrudgingly. I worship through tears coming out my nose.
Stupid turkey. Stupid holiday.
Stupid me… for not appreciating every precious second.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving? Sitting next to my dad, breathing in his familiar coffee breath and taking mental snapshots of his every single move.
Reason #28 to be thankful –finally understanding the gift of being present.
My post Why Guys aren’t Asking Women Out has created a big buzz. The comments are pouring in and Ruth Rutherford even blogged about her struggle with some of the male comments in “Oh Henry! There’s Gotta be More.” In this controversial post I suggested the over-sexualization of our culture (and porn specifically) is one of the biggest contributors to the problem of women not getting asked out.
Some agreed, while others clearly did not. I was dismissed by a few guys who by their very own comments proved my point that many men in our culture are driven by the sexual images they see. I was also affirmed for identifying this as a cultural crisis, but my FAVORITE response came in this morning from Brandon.
I wanted to share this because as a woman I lose credibility by the sheer fact that I don’t have a penis, AND maybe some of you can hear this message better from a man.
(Although this whole post was done in collaboration with my husband –a male pastor and we deal with this issue on a daily basis in our church, ministry, through counseling and in the relationship seminars we speak at.)
Here is Henry’s comment, which I confess I struggle with a bit.
As a guy I have a very different perspective. I’ve dated a ton of women – more than I care to admit. I don’t think porn is the real problem as to why these girls aren’t getting dates. Any honest Christian single guy will admit he’d much rather marry and sleep with his wife/best friend than settle for porn. Read more…
Brandon replies…
“Henry is right…men DO want somebody to cuddle up with in front of a Cowboys game, enjoy bedroom life with, and read the Bible with…but that’s about it. The long drivel that makes up the rest of his comment is incredibly shallow, ignorant, and short-sighted.
When I first saw the title, “Why Men Aren’t Asking Women Out”, a little thought popped into my head… “Why men aren’t asking women out? That’s simple. Porn.”
For Henry to dismiss pornography and the general sexualization of our society as one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, contributors to this problem means he has his head in the sand. Recently, I have discovered that multiple men very close to me…older men that I have looked up to, some of which that are in ministry or deacons of churches who have by all accounts healthy, close relationships with the Lord have struggled with pornography recently or in the not so distant past. These are men who have served as my personal heroes and confidants, all of which are in their 40s and 50s, all of which have daughters… And they have all come to me separately in the past year to confess that while they were giving me advice in my struggles…they were struggling with lust and secret sins of their own in a way that boys do now starting as early as elementary or middle school.
If these types of men are struggling with this, it’s undoubtedly even bigger than any of us probably even realize.
Pornography and constant easy access to sexual imagery is re-programming our brains one click at a time and the result will be many men and many women that are single much later into their lives, if not for the rest of their lives as well as many ruined marriages that are entered into without full disclosure of the digital women that the groom brings into the equation from Day 1.
In the spirit of transparency, I have met girls before and thought to myself, “She seems awesome. I would ask her out but [insert physical feature] doesn’t really match up with what I’m into.”
I’ve tried to capture those thoughts and re-train my thinking in these areas but with a world full of men that are more likely driven by lust and fulfilling physical desires with such quick and simple ease rather than being driven by Christ-like motivations, there will undoubtedly be millions of women who will continue to pay the price.
The only thing women can really do is pray and ask the Lord to show them areas that they’re falling short in their relationship with him, which will undoubtedly make them more attractive to the right type of man. Also, continue to pray for your future husband. It’s very likely that he is in a spiritual battle with sin and the enemy that needs your interceding. As for men…there are a lot of difficult choices to be made, but the first of which is to step up, take responsibility, get our heads out of the sand, and start fighting for the wives and the children that God has yet to entrust us with because we’ve been warped by a computer screen.”
Brandon, THANK YOU! You articulated this beautifully.
What do you think about Brandon and Henry’s different perspectives?
Every now and then, a woman will sneak up to me after we speak at an event and with teary eyes choke out, “I’m not very attractive and men don’t ask me out. Like EVER.”
My heart aches when I see a woman in despair and hopelessness. They desperately want me to have a fix-it-all answer and I am left stuttering.
Helping a woman date well is pointless when there are no dates to go on.
I usually respond by going back to God’s word and reassuring them of his ravishing love for them and their true worth and beauty. But in all honesty, it’s a hard sell when a woman believes she is an ugly duck and no man is willing to fight for her heart and convince her otherwise.
Although I am weak on answers, my husband and I do have an opinion as to why this scenario is playing out more and more often with single women.
And it’s not because we are JUST an image obsessed culture. It goes much deeper.
The Problem
The problem is the over-sexualization of our culture. And porn magnifies this.
When men watch beautiful women expose and degrade themselves on a regular basis they begin to subconsciously believe they are entitled to a hot chick that operates in the same fashion in real life.
But there are a limited number of women who meet this elite criteria. That leaves the rest of us.
Prior to the first Playboy in mass circulation, it seems as though men were more likely to move towards marriage and relationship. A below average looking guy would pursue and love a woman who might not meet all of the societal norms of beauty.
Unfortunately, these days he would rather stay single and settle for his hand and a box of Kleenex. Real women are complicated and take effort but a fantasy porn woman will bark at his command.
Porn is cheap and easy.
Many men’s expectations have become so distorted by pornographic images they lose the ability to even be intimate with a woman not digitized on a screen. As more and more men isolate, real women suffer the consequences and ultimately men do too, although they may not realize it until it’s too late.
The truth is we have an enemy who loves to destroy relationships and porn ruins a man’s ability to engage in healthy dating relationships before he even begins.
It’s not like this is a new scheme of Satan’s. Reading throughout the Bible, rampant promiscuity is not fresh to modernity. It’s just getting more prevalent and widespread with technology.
No Easy Solution
Sadly, there are no any easy or pat answers. I have a teenage son. I know all too well it’s a battle men face on a daily basis with an adversary who plays into their weaknesses.
I wish it were different. But until the day Jesus returns I believe many of us will be left wanting and craving for something more.
I struggle with certain forms of communication with my hubby –namely how to ASK for anything on the honey-do list.
It’s a lose/lose scenario for me.
I know my man works hard. As a pastor he puts in six days a week and on top of that goes to seminary on his day off. When he is home, the kids vie for his attention along with their demanding sports and activities schedule. He doesn’t have much time off and I feel guilty asking for more, but there are just certain things around the house only a MAN can do.
So I wait and wait and wait. Then I try to do it all and burn out. The frustration builds and builds. By the time I get around to asking him for help, it never comes out right.
I can’t even pin-point where I go wrong, but according to my sweetie every time I say, “Hey Tim, can you please clean the garage or put away your clothes that have been sitting out on the dresser for a month?” it comes out whiny, nagging, or a like a guilt-trip.
I hear sunshine, he hears bi—yatch.
I think I’m being diplomatic –cautious even, but it comes across as something completely different. He says it’s my tone.
What tone?
I tell him my tone is rooted in fear that I will never have a clean garage. My tone is the sound of a mommy martyr who carries the weight of the world. My tone is “do you see me slaving away over here while you kick back and watch football?”
Per our normal routine, I asked the wrong way for him to clean the garage. But this time, I lost it –big time. I threw a tantrum…over the garage.
(Not my finest moment)
I ended up on my bed sobbing like a child who lost her blankie. And then I realized it wasn’t about the garage. It’s never about the “thing” you fight over. It’s always ten layers deep.
This meltdown was about my dad and his waning health and the reality that my time with his is limited. This is about surrender and God and trusting him despite my fear. This fight was about my heart full of aching emotions seeping out.
My husband held me, quieted my tears, and then went downstairs and started cleaning the garage.
And I think this is what marriage is like. We bumble things like “tone” and “communication” but we know innately when the other is hurting. We know when to be an anchor and to hold on tight to our beloved in the midst of a storm.
I love how my husband KNOWS me.
Marriage is like best friends with benefits, only better, because it is true and intimate and mysteriously interconnected. It is a naked and unashamed love. It’s love that sees past the dragons and still climbs into the castle window to rescue the wounded princess.
I will probably always screw up the ASK on the honey-do list, although I imagine if I put on the lingerie he bought me for my birthday I might get a different response?
Ever wonder if those commercials for Match.com are true? Match boldly claims one in five people currently meet online.
Really, come on?
They make it sound like everyone along with their pooch and second cousin from Arkansas met online, and if you don’t surf the web for a date you are clearly missing out on all the Appalachian hotties.
So, is it a bunch of advertising schmooze to get singles to flock to their site or is their truth behind their ostentatious assertion?
As I was doing research for the book Tim and I are writing on dating, I stumbled upon the study Match used for their statistics. And it was an eye-opener!
Current dating statistics now reveal almost 20% of relationships start online (17% to be exact).
As Pete the Cat from Mickey Mouse likes to say… “Well, pinch my papayas!” I had no idea internet dating was that big of a phenomenon? And that was two years ago, I bet the stats are even higher now!
In 2009 and 2010, Match.com engaged research firm Chadwick Martin Bailey to conduct three studies to provide insights into America’s dating behavior: a survey of recently married people, a survey of people who have used internet dating, and a survey of single people and people in new committed relationships.
Another shocker I didn’t expect to uncover is that more than twice as many marriages occurred between people who met at an online singles site than those who met in bars, at clubs and other social events combined.
So, just to make this crystal clear –your chances of getting married are better if you meet someone online, than say… in Hooters.
This makes sense, but what about church or work or all the other “social events” people meet at. If 83% of singles meet somewhere else, but their odds of getting married are lower, than the smart Christian dater might want to consider signing up for one of these sites in addition to their other networking methods.
Are you still reluctant? I was too after some bad bouts with the internet.
Mainly because as a former Match.com user myself, all the “Christian” guys I encountered were just as sex crazed and into hooking up as the rest. People check off the Christian box like the ethnicity box.
I live in America, I celebrate Christmas…therefore I am a Christian. (NOT)
(I really think they need to add a “Do you kiss on the first date?” hint, hint…box)
So, from personal and painful experience, I might suggest EHarmony or Christian Mingle.com, just to be safe, or even some of the new Christian sites out there, though I’m not familiar with all of them. It makes sense to avoid the sites that cater to the one-night stand crowd, unless it’s what you’re looking for. (In which case I recommend my husband’s dating boot camp)
I used to feel guilty telling people I went out with someone I met online, but times are a changing! And even though I didn’t meet my hubby there, I know a bunch of people in the church who did and are in great relationships moving towards marriage.
So go online. Don’t feel guilty, feel empowered! Just date smart!
Because you really don’t want to miss out on the Jesus loving hottie from Wisconsin your best friend just connected with while you were trying out your new moves at Hooters.
The second the words left the woman’s mouth, floating in the air like a little bomb on the cusp of detonation, I knew I had to chime in. While her comment was probably not malicious–if left unchecked –the game of husband bashing could do irreversible damage to the Christian ladies gathering.
I’ve noticed this sport usually starts with a hefty dose of female empowerment masked in affirmations and coy compliments… “Ladies, I have been so blessed by this group and by these AMAZING female friendships to the point where I feel like I don’t even need a man around anymore. Don’t you agree?”
Subtle wink…dainty pout …lips parted with just a hint of an invitation.
And then each woman, happily married, bitter and single, or somewhere in between… makes an instantaneous but crucial decision –do I jump on the bandwagon and annihilate my husband’s (or ex-husband’s) character or defend him and take a stand against the crowd?
Unfortunately, I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. I was the bitter chick for a few years after my divorce that turned tea parties into toxic parties and now I cringe at my past behavior.
(Hurt people hurt people, right?)
Just as the first few lovelies dove onto the slippery slope of male abuse, I jumped in and loudly interrupted, “Look ladies…the beauty of healthy female friendships is how it enhances marriage –not replaces it. When our uniquely feminine emotional needs are addressed by empathetic girlfriends who understand us then we don’t place false expectations on our man to decipher our complicated hearts.”
I paused and waved my arms around for emphasis. “This allows our husband to operate as a real man who loves to fix and struggles to listen to chick-speak without the burden of fulfilling our every whim. My husband is a tremendous man who both refines and compliments me. And while I certainly love all of you, I am first and foremost my husband’s biggest fan and I refuse to act like he is big dolt or a Homer Simpson wannabe.”
The table went silent and tongues poised to launch a volley of verbal assault paused and retreated. The claws went back in and then a chorus of agreement chimed in. “Oh yes, we do need our men…they are so wonderful…I do love my husband.”
I sat back down in turmoil –glad I had spoken up but frustrated I even needed to. Sadly, I see this happen all too often –women gossiping loudly about their husbands faults and complaining to whoever lends a willing ear. I know if the shoe were on the other foot and I discovered my husband trash talked me in public I would be devastated. So why do women act like we have a hall pass in this area?
In an ideal world there would be no double-standards in marriage. And though I far from perfect in this area and still consider myself a recovering gossiper, I try to remember I can’t expect my husband or our children to act differently than the behavior I model. So what am I teaching my son and two girls when they accidentally hear mommy dissing daddy on the phone to her BFF?
What if we –as wives –chose to affirm our husbands instead of nit-pick? What if we saw the best and let go of the little irritants? What about truly forgiving and FORGETING, instead of forgiving and then repeating the offense to the gals in Pilates to get a big laugh?
I want to be the type of woman who champions her husband at all costs. I try to speak of him and about him in the highest regard. And I’ve found, quite inadvertently, my words and actions are helping him become the man he wants to be because he feels supported–even when he makes mistakes and even when he struggles. This allows him to take bigger risks and move towards the best in life because he knows I am his team-mate and not a passive aggressive opponent licking his face and simultaneously peeing on his leg.
Harold Macmillan –a British politician once said, “No man succeeds without a good woman behind him.” I think Harold is on to something. And I think starts by being an advocate of marriage and learning the art of keeping our mouth shut.
I’ve never really understood how “visual” men are when it comes to being attracted to the opposite sex. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman and my metrics for measuring up a dude are vastly different. Sure, looks played a part in my overall decision-making process but it was never a deal-breaker if the guy had other stellar qualities.
(*note: my husband’s hotness was a bonus on top of his other attributes)
But when I saw a new study in the OC Register the other day, I had an epiphany. The article, titled –Women aren’t looking for an unemployed man, online dating service’s survey discovers, suggests single men without a job are lonelier than the Maytag repairman as 73% of women refuse to consider dating an unemployed man.
(For those too young to remember, Maytag had an ad campaign showing a lonely repair man in his shop insinuating their washers and dryers rarely break…)
And then it hit me why men date hot chicks who have the brain cell capacity of a flea – it’s because men are wired to be visual in the exact same way women are wired to seek financial security from a mate.
Tit for Tat. Hot Chicks vs Cold Hard Cash. Show me the Money vs DD Cup Size
Jokes aside, I have to believe it’s how God designed us. Despite feminism and women’s rights, the truth is most women feel vulnerable when they are pregnant or raising small children and a husband with an adequate income allows her to focus on nurturing and caring for her young without the burden of financial stress.
I know this all too well because when I was single mom the financial stress was OVERWHELMING. But once I got remarried, the burden lifted. I still had to go to work and provide but it felt more manageable with a partner. I don’t believe women are designed to carry the financial burden alone. We can do it (and some do it very well) but it doesn’t sit well on our frame just as most men struggle to get up at night with baby. They can certainly do it but it mommy does it so much better with a smile and a song instead of bad words from a cranky and grumbling daddy.
The male focus on visual aesthetics is not just immaturity. According to Dr. Phil McGraw, it’s a “psychosocial, biochemical and neurological gap—so trying to get a man to function according to female standards is like trying to get a pig to fly. It’s just not going to happen. That old but often accurate notion that men are hunters seems especially applicable here.”
Men need to be quick on their feet and act fast to bring home the bacon while women need to plan and store provisions for a long winter and hungry mouths to feed.
Terry – a reader from the Register article responded: ” A man is set up on a blind date, first question, what does she look like? A woman is set up on a blind date, first question is, how much money does he have?”
But here is the catch, although we are designed to operate in a certain manner, we, unlike our four legged friends, have a choice in the matter. We don’t have to take this”pre-wiring” to the extreme. Not every woman needs to be a gold digger and not every man needs to be a skirt chaser.
We let the world distort God’s standards of provision and beauty. We let Cosmo and Maxim tell us what matters most and we tune out the simplicity and brilliance of God’s design for male/female relationships.
A man who can provide a roof over a woman’s head and put food on the table is a good catch. A man who will take a job at Starbucks, or parking cars or get up every morning and apply for a hundred jobs in a bad economy is a treasure indeed.
A woman who takes care of herself and others, has a sweet spirit and big smile (though she may not be a super-model) is still a beauty. A woman who follows God, is faithful and true and loves without barriers is ravishing. And a woman who is physically appealing on the outside but nasty on the inside is not worth the misery of a dreadful marriage, or worse yet, an expensive divorce.
I think it’s time we stop complaining how men only like hot chicks and women only want guys with a job and instead start redefining what real beauty and real provision actually are.
And maybe we need to fix our broken “pickers” so we spot the real jewels when we find them.
When Christian husbands hear the words Spiritual Leadership they often cringe and move into an emotionally defensive ninja posture. They cover their ears and hum “nu nun nu nun” to drown out the sound of the “oh so subtle” but fully loaded assault they know their wife is about to lob at them.
“Did you hear what Pastor Awesome did for his wife for their anniversary? OMG…he flew her to a chapel in Tuscany where they ate biscotti and strawberries dipped in crème fraiche. Then he knelt before her, gave her a monogrammed gold leaf bible and prayed for world peace. Wow, what spiritual leadership!”
And then this sweet, loyal and loving husband, who goes to work every day, provides a home and provision, plays horsie with his kids, coaches baseball and takes his wife to brunch every Sunday after church hunches his shoulders, looks morose and feels completely inadequate.
And the reason he feels like a schmuck is because too many women confuse Spiritual Leadership with a cross between Fabio and their youth pastor –a Jesus-y James Bond sort of guy with a golden tongue who waxes poetic spiritual metaphors about car-care and the football draft from his pre-dawn quiet times with the Lord.
All too often, Christian wives inadvertently adopt a distorted idea of Christian manhood as a spiritual measuring stick for their husband. They take a few examples of biblical application regarding humility or faith (or any fruit of the spirit for that matter) from the pastor’s Sunday message and apply it with a broad stroke to beat their husbands up with after the service.
They don’t envision a real man, a real life and the day-to-day decisions which encompass true spiritual headship of a family. Pastors aren’t all saints or perfect husbands (although my man is a rock star) and a guy doesn’t need to work for the church to be a true minister of Jesus Christ and strong spiritual leader to his wife and kids.
What men do want to aspire to (and their wives can gently encourage them to) –are spiritual disciplines which will help them develop a closer relationship with God and therefore build strength and leadership within the marriage. So, I’ve got a few ideas culled from the plethora of awesome men I have the privilege to know (and yes…I’m talking about you Mariners MV men) . These are the traits and attributes I see exhibited in their lives which bless the socks off their adoring ladies!
Sam’s Tips to Develop Real Dude Spiritual Leadership
1. Get to Know God
2. Pray with your spouse
3. Intimacy (Christian code word for SEX)
4. Serve One Another
5. Parent with Purpose
6. Rethink Love as an Action Verb
The next six blog posts will address these traits and give helpful suggestions for Christian couples who are honest enough to pull out the jammed logs blocking their vision and get real about their marriage, the state of their own heart and what it means to love like Christ did.
And just in case you think this is a series written only for men…I want to challenge you with this.
I believe, above all these tips, the most important factor in a man’s spiritual leadership is his wife’s ability to AFFIRM, stop nagging, pray, forgive, and become her husband’s biggest champion allowing God to transform her husband into the man of her dreams in his time.
One of my readers asked a great question the other day –What differentiates the really happy couples from those who are just getting by?
It reminded me of an article I came across regarding the longest married couple in the United States –they’ve been together close to ninety years. This sweet little couple with the wrinkled faces claimed their secret weapons to marital bliss were saying I’m sorry and compromise.
Sounds easy, right? I think it’s even more basic than that.
Simply put –LOVE IS A CHOICE.
But real love might be one of the hardest things in the world we choose to do. And the honest truth is that many of us are so deceived about what love actually entails we get it wrong before we even begin.
We think we love others but really we love ourselves. And since we love ourselves so much, we tend to think we love people who love us back and give us what we want.
But we are wrong.
This is because most of us have a warped idea of love. We believe love is a feeling. We think sex is love. We think our happiness comes from love and we think we can fall in and out of it as if it were a place instead of calling it what it really is –infatuation .
Love is none of these things.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. 1 Cor. 13
Infatuation is hooking up now to get your needs met, it keeps you guessing if he’s not that into you, it makes you doubt and keeps you on your toes, it seeks the hottest chick and the richest guy to feed its ego, it keeps one eye roaming just in case there is someone better around the bend, it is jealous, and intense and it burns out fast –usually within a year of marriage. Infatuation needs a constant source of more deviant sex to keep the fire going, it manipulates to get a ring, it leaves when it gets tough, it gives up when it’s not happy, it’s selfish, and it seeks personal gain above all else.
Infatuation might get you to the altar but LOVE IS A LIFELONG CHOICE.
The closest many of us get to real love is with our children. We are willing to sacrifice, to move beyond ourselves and to lay down our life to protect and cherish their hearts. But all too often, what we are willing to do for our babies we are not willing to do for our spouse.
When my husband Tim is huffing and puffing around the house like the Big Bad Wolf and I’m wailing and weeping like a little kid that got her ice cream stolen -“I’m sorry” and compromise are a little tough to choke out. But if love is a choice those are the exact things I need to lean into.
Laying my own needs and desires down and putting my husband first is how I show him love. Respecting Tim, even when I think I’m right is real love. It’s meeting his physical needs despite being exhausted. It’s when I give up my agenda for the day to get stuff done and I’m spontaneous and present, and it’s getting up in the middle of the night to care for the baby so he can sleep, even though we both have to be at work the next day.
For Tim, real love is taking all three of our kids to Costco so I can finish writing when I’m stressed. It’s asking me questions and pulling out my prickly emotions I struggle to identify. It’s doing the dishes and playing with the baby and rubbing my back for the nine-hundredth time. It’s when he chooses to be tender even when it’s easier to be harsh.
Real love is hard and sacrificial and painful to our crusty selfish hearts.
I received a letter the other day that was the antithesis of love. It was from a man I dated in the past. It’s tough to admit, but there was a point in my life after my divorce where I was so starved for love I let myself settle for scraps. It’s not that he was a bad guy but he didn’t treasure me or my heart. He didn’t give me security in the relationship. He took me for granted and only when I disappeared out of his life did he fully appreciate all that I gave to him and who I was.
And now six years later he is married and he writes me a letter claiming he is still in love with me. On top of all the awkwardness of having to share this with my husband, it also made me sad because he is so deceived.
Love is a choice not a feeling.
Sending me a message like this is not love – its disrespect to my husband and to our marriage. It’s disrespect to his wife. Love is choosing to care for the spouse he chose to marry not longing for another man’s wife.
But Hollywood has told us there is one soul mate, one serendipitous love of our life and we keep looking for it instead of learning to love the person in front of us. My heart breaks for HIS wife because he clearly hasn’t grasped what real love is.
LOVE is choosing to love your wife even when it’s not easy.
They say President Lincoln was one of the greatest president’s ever. Few people know his wife was one of the most trying women of all time and struggled desperately after the loss of their son with bitterness and anger. And yet President Lincoln loved her tirelessly and had patience far beyond his own strength. In the battlefield of marriage he became a man worth following.(1)
Lincoln became an epic leader because he learned how to love and sacrifice first at home.
Lincoln chose to love.
One of the best books I EVER read on marriage was Stormie O’Martians Power of a Praying Wife. It’s a simple little book and much of it is taken from scripture –BUT what got me by the tail feathers and rocked my world was this.
Stormie was in an awful marriage. Her husband was emotionally distant, unloving and downright mean. She suffered from depression and emotional trauma from childhood. It wasn’t a match made in heaven since they wanted to kill each other.
One day God nudged Stormie to stop praying for her husband to change and to start praying for herself to be the wife he needed her to be. She began praying for God to give him the wife of his dreams and to let it be her.
It was a radical prayer that changed the course of their marriage. She stopped picking apart his faults and worked on her own. She respected him EVEN when he was unloving and she moved at him every day with genuine care and concern DESPITE his behavior.
And her Christ like love couldn’t help but change his heart. Over time he started to try harder to love her. He became more sacrificial and eventually became the husband of her dreams.
When I read this I wept because I knew if I was ever going to be a Godly wife I had to bury my selfish desires and let go of my pride. I had a lot of work to do and a lifetime with the man I love to figure it out.
Real love is counter-cultural and reeks of Jesus –a God that humbled himself and died on a cross for a people who rejected him.
Leaning back into the patio chair at Starbucks Ladera Ranch, I took a big gulp of frothy yumminess and released a contented sigh. AAAAAHHHHHHH!
Faith caught my eye as she intently focused on my drink. She looked perplexed. “Mommy, you’re cup says Jason on it.”
I looked down in horror and snorted in laughter. It was true. On the outside of my skinny mocha frapachino with whip was a name that was most definitely not mine.
But I knew it was my drink. I saw the guy make it just the way I like it, it was simply a case of mucked up identity. It was my drink but not my name.
Unfortunately, I was too embarrassed to tell Jason I snarfed the whole thing down.
And while the incident was stupid and dumb and funny it also brought to mind a reader’s question –How long should you date someone?
It’s not an obvious connection- wrong name, mocha frap, mistaken identity??? (But stay with me here for relevance)
I considered some of the past dating relationships I’ve been involved in where I messed up my own drink –figuratively speaking. I messed up my identity by pretending to be someone or something I’m not. It was me in the relationship, but not the best parts of me. And there was a guy, but did I really know him?
My best (or possibly worst) experience with this lack of knowing was when I dated Mr. B (it stands for bad word) for a mere four months.
Mr. B was a producer. He was wealthy, maintained a powerful edge in the entertainment business, and he showered me with clothes, and Mahnilo Blahniks, and the life of the flouncy flouncy. And I got sucked into the vortex of all things material and shallow for a time.
Our relationship came to a head one night at a ritzy restaurant with Mr. B on his knees holding out an engagement ring. I stared at him in shock. Ironically, I thought this is what I wanted until it actually came to pass.
I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes. I did worse than no…I hesitated.
And in a weird Holy Spirit minute where time stood still, the four months of our brief relationship flashed before my eyes. I saw laughter and luxury and a carefree existence, but I also saw glimpses of impending darkness. I remembered Mr. B berating a waitress, Mr. B hounding me with text messages when he didn’t know where I was, and one horrible evening when Mr.B picked on my son for crying. I saw a guy who went to church with me but didn’t share my faith. And I saw a future of selling my soul for box seats at a Lakers game.
And so I hesitated.
Mr. B jumped up and ripped my arm out of the seat. He screamed at me, “It’s the Jesus thing, isn’t it? I’ll never be good enough for you?”
I looked out the window as he drove me home and thanked God for saving me from possibly the worst mistake of my life.
“Yes, it’s the Jesus thing. (And I secretly thought an A-hole thing too).”
It was the last time I would see him. But I discovered an “oh so important lesson” about dating that night. Getting to know someone takes time. There are no shortcuts on this one. Generally speaking, happily ever after doesn’t exist when you get married by Elvis in Vegas. And even if you stay married for the rest of your life, you will more than likely doubt your hasty decision.
People can pretend to be anyone for a few months. Usually it’s just little lies –like girls pretending to enjoy camping and endless afternoons at sports bars (when they are secretly bored to tears) and after a while the truth leaks out she’d rather go shopping. Guys pretend to be sensitive and attentive to a woman every need and then reality bites hard when she becomes a football widow at the first kickoff in August. Typically, after the first six weeks, the cracks start to show and hints of people’s true personalities emerge. But skilled deceivers can last up to three or four months.
When my husband and I were dating, Tim was advised by a well respected Christian counselor to spend as much time as possible with me. The reasoning behind this was to see how I operated under different circumstances. And in turn, I got to see how Tim dealt with the stresses of life.
We were also advised to date through all four seasons –one full year of getting to know each other through the good, the bad and the ugly.
And it certainly wasn’t all pretty. During our first year of dating, we experienced together: job loss, two moves, a home sale, health issues (me), a cross country road trip with two little kids, pre-marital classes (before we were engaged), holidays with family, a crazy mission trip, vacations with family, 38 planned dates, and plenty of time with our respective friends. Dating wasn’t just dating; it had become a mission to get to know each other.
At the end of each season we celebrated with a special night out and Tim gave me a “season charm” to be placed on a dating bracelet he had given me after our first winter together. It was an intentional move on Tim’s part that both honored our time together and held out hope for a future with one another.
By the time Tim proposed at the end of the first year -we knew each other intimately and the only secret I wasn’t in on was a surprise proposal.
This time when Tim dropped to a knee in front of my parents, children and sixty of our closest friends I hollered out a resounding “yes” through tears of joy. There was no hesitation!
It was fifteen months from first date to the altar. And then a whole new way of knowing each other began. But the foundation had been built on rock and not the shallow sands of compromise.
Don’t cheat yourself on the knowing.
Marriage isn’t the time to find out he or she has got another personality, a gambling addiction, or a secret love child and garnished wages –dating is ♥
