“My business is not to remake myself, but to make the absolute best of what God made.” –Robert Browning
Self reflection is a tough critic. It points out all the areas that need work. Hopefully it finds some good. Never has it walked away from me without a list of improvements.
In February, I take 28 days to listen to my Spirit led self. It’s not pretty.
In February, I take a step back, remove unnecessary items from my life and reevaluate.
Why? Because sometimes the wants in my life masquerade as needs and it takes time and distance for me to recognize the imposters.
In February there is no extra spending and I get serious about my budget. We embark on a strict eating plan to shed those Christmas pounds( Keto this year) and it’s back to the gym for tough and regular HIIT workouts. There are no no glasses of wine on a Friday with friends (or, let’s be honest, no glass of wine on a Tuesday night when I’m exhausted and just want to relax). In February we, my husband and I, sacrifice the good for the best.
February is freaking hard.
On Sunday, I walk through the wine aisle of Trader Joe’s, as busy people bang into my cart, and I want to scream. Tears well up in my eyes. I feel cranky…my body hurts from the grueling workouts, my shoulder injury throbs and I just want to FEEL better.
I text my husband, “People are stupid and I want a glass of wine.”
He emojis me back a kiss and some encouragement to hang on.
Really? All I want is the wine glass emoji and the girl dancing emoji and permission to blow it. My flesh is screaming for a sugar hit. But I pray for sustenance and steer my cart onward.
Two minutes later, after my internal mini fit, the floodgates of mercy arrive. I have an amazing chat with the checker. We talk for ten minutes about parenting as she ever so slowly bags my goods. I encourage and pour into her heart. Now her eyes fill with tears.
What? I get to my car and weep. Only God could orchestrate that moment. Only in His strength can I get beyond myself and MY neediness for the true things in life that satisfy.
In February I ask myself the hard questions. Is this a real want or a need? Do we really need new floors or a bigger emergency fund? My heart knows the answer. Maybe drooling over HGTV, daydreaming about home remodels and wandering the halls of Home Depot checking out porcelain wood tiles isn’t what satisfies.
In February I connect with my authentic self. But on the path to find her again, after the craziness of the holiday season, I need to put blinders on to the noise around me. It’s Starbucks and the pretty shiny things on social media that lure me and dull my senses.
February revives my heart.
When I learn to live without, I can recognize my real needs. I remember what makes me truly content. I am not a complicated creature. I crave intimacy with God, a close connection to my family and friends, and fun with my “bestest” best friend-my husband. I yearn for purpose at work and ministry, and freedom in my finances and health (both physically and emotionally).
It’s pretty simple really…but so easy to forget.
When I seek God’s face and not his hand, contentment floods my soul. As Tim and practice intermittent fasting, my senses are sharpened and the gift of discernment comes back into focus. I need less sleep and creativity soars. In this space, I develop patience that enables me to wait gracefully and thankfully until God determines the “when” because I trust that in his timing, the things I truly need will come.
When my sugar and carbs and Starbucks addiction pass, I remember I have the ability to choose “real life,” not simply “living” or getting by.
“The World is too much with us,” chimes the poet William Wordsworth, “Getting and Spending, we lay waste our powers.”
February quiets the clamor of the world so I can hear the deeper vibrations of the spirit playing my song.
Oh February, it’s God’s Valentine to my soul.
Maybe you need to get quiet too, still the noise and ask the questions. Listen…what do you hear?
–Samantha
