Both my husband and I were notoriously bad daters. It’s an act of God we found each other.
For over a year I wrote three articles a week for a magazine on being single.
Let’s just say I had plenty of material.
Some might call my problem a “broken picker”.
Rich jerk…check. High net worth…check. Low integrity…check. Yep, I knew how to find em.
Tim, on the other hand, had a “distraction” problem.
He was was not unlike Doug, you know, the dog in “Up,” distracted by every bird that flew by, except in his case it was the lady birds.
He liked them all.
Instead of craving a wife and a real (and often messy) relationship with all the ups and downs, he chose to date many women at a time, shallowly skimming off emotional fulfillment from one, stealing kisses from another, a gym buddy here, and companionship there, and so on and so forth. His bevy of ladies met most of his basic needs and yet something was still missing.
Tim likes to say he filled himself with cotton candy instead of the steak dinner. While the steak dinner satisfies, the cotton candy always leave you hungry for more.
I often do the same thing at dinner. Instead of eating a real meal, I snack. Then I’m still hungry and an hour later I snack some more. Then I lose all control and get chip faced, ending up with nothing but regret and a bag of crumbs. The truth is I end up eating far more than if I had just eaten one good meal and been satisfied.
Back to bachelor Tim…about the time he turned 35, God got ahold of his heart (from a dating perspective) and he ended up taking a year and half off dating (sort of a fast) before it dawned on him that what he really craved was one wife, not five psuedo girlfriends.
True intimacy. One relationship. One treasure worth seeking. The one thing that satisfies.
But it took getting rid of all the distractions before he could understand his true craving.
I was on the same journey. To find the man of my dreams I had to let go of my expectations (and materialism) and let God give me a man of integrity.
I had to give up the guy with the yacht and the Porsche to find the guy with the heart of gold and a love for God.
Our dating history reminds me so much of what I see around me everyday and it doesn’t go away just because the ring goes on the finger.
I see people chasing the cotton candy that never fulfills and always leaves us starving for more. They ignore their marriages in the pursuit of outward approval–the cheap trinkets of applause-the corner office, acclaim, the envy of our neighbors.
But do we even know how good it can be?
Marriage, when given our time, attention and efforts is a sacred endeavor.
But…it’s an investment that’s not easy. Lying down my selfish nature, desire to be right and pride physically hurts at times.
Loving and caring about people is risky. Deep and true relationship with raw vulnerability is a rare treasure. There is joy and closeness and laughter to be found and yet there are shadows too.
I know for me, that when I get weary and unforgiveness invades my heart, I pull back emotionally. I get quiet. I don’t speak up. I simmer with annoyance. And that causes a wedge to build if I’m not intentional about tearing it down before it gets too high.
And yet, when I take the risk and engage (and forgive) I’m rewarded with the intimacy, closeness and the connection I truly desire.
Pulling back or distracting myself with the candy aisle only keeps me aloof from the WHOLE experience of love and passion and life.
“Go for something real. Develop an appetite for authentic intimacy. Dive into your marriage, and discover the quiet but profound pleasure of loving and being loved, of truly knowing and being known.”–Gary Thomas.
He goes on, “To be loved well and to be known completely by one is far more fufilling than being adored by many and truly known by none.”
I’ve had the steak dinner and there is no going back.
I’ve been on my knees more for my husband lately–praying for him, lifting up his needs and hoping that God will give him the wife of his dreams and that it will be me. Imperfect, stubborn, but persistent…me, setting the table of our real and messy life with steak knives.
What are you doing right now to invest in your marriage?
–Samantha
